


Two and a half months

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [46]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-01-25 18:29:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12538420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: Lukas knows he loves Philip more than he loves motocross. But he knows they’re both part of his future, and going through this set of races will be good for him. He’ll make a name for himself, he’ll make new contacts, hopefully win some prize money.None of that stops him from losing it when the truck comes to pick his bike up four days before he’s supposed to go. He watches them load it up and forces himself not to cry, not because they’re taking his bike away from him, but because it means this is happening. He’s going. In five days he’ll be in California, and it might as well be the other side of the earth because even two steps away from Philip is too far. He doesn’t care if they’re codependent. He loves him. Heloveshim.Philip kisses his neck as they stand there and watch the truck drive away, Izzy wagging her tail at their feet. “It’s gonna be great, babe.”“It’d be great if you were there,” Lukas says.“Once we’re married I’ll travel with you wherever you go,” Philip says. “This dog too.” He reaches down, scratching around Izzy’s ears.(the two and a half months Lukas is gone, off to the races. Will update with more characters and a different rating as we go)





	1. Chapter 1

Lukas knows he loves Philip more than he loves motocross. But he knows they’re both part of his future, and going through this set of races will be good for him. He’ll make a name for himself, he’ll make new contacts, hopefully win some prize money. 

None of that stops him from losing it when the truck comes to pick his bike up four days before he’s supposed to go. He watches them load it up and forces himself not to cry, not because they’re taking his bike away from him, but because it means this is happening. He’s going. In five days he’ll be in California, and it might as well be the other side of the earth because even two steps away from Philip is too far. He doesn’t care if they’re codependent. He loves him. He _loves_ him.

Philip kisses his neck as they stand there and watch the truck drive away, Izzy wagging her tail at their feet. “It’s gonna be great, babe.”

“It’d be great if you were there,” Lukas says. 

“Once we’re married I’ll travel with you wherever you go,” Philip says. “This dog too.” He reaches down, scratching around Izzy’s ears. 

Lukas wishes one day was now. He thinks about when he’s back, what he’s gonna do. He knows he’ll write more letters while he’s away, so he can’t forget to pack his notebook. He’s gotta make reservations, buy tickets. Everything’s gonna be perfect. He feels like he’s been waiting a thousand years to propose to Philip, the words on the tip of his tongue, and all he has to do is get through these races and then he can do it. He’ll make up for missing Philip’s birthday, alright. He knows it’ll be pure torture to be in Pennsylvania on Philip’s birthday, so damn close, but he’s gonna make it better by proposing to him. And hopefully he comes back with a shit ton of prize checks. 

“Okay let’s go back upstairs,” Philip says. “I’m amped for this steak you’re gonna make.”

“As if it’s gonna be any good,” Lukas says, watching as Izzy speeds up so she can be ahead of them.

“You’re a natural cook, Waldenbeck,” Philip says, wrapping an arm around his middle. “Accept it already!”

Lukas can’t imagine not having Philip at his side for two and a half months.

~

The day comes. Lukas is fine in the uber. Fine when they arrive at LaGuardia. Fine when he checks his luggage. But as soon as they get to where they’re supposed to part at security the waterworks flare up. Luka tugs Philip away from the TSA workers and over towards the bathrooms, dropping his bag and pulling him into a crushing hug. 

“Philip,” Lukas whispers, cradling the back of his head, running his fingers through his hair. He’s trembling, he feels fucking sick. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave him.

“It’s gonna fly by,” Philip says, kissing Lukas’s cheek. “I’m gonna watch every race on the website you set me up with. We’re gonna talk all the damn time, facetime, all that.”

“I know,” Lukas says, turning his face into Philip’s neck. “I just…I hate it.”

Philip laughs a little bit, rubbing his hands up and down Lukas’s back. “I hate it too. I don’t like being apart from you, babe, but it’s okay. This is good. You’re gonna reestablish yourself in this world, win some more championships, some money. You’ll have more material to market yourself with….”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, closing his eyes. He sort of feels like he’s gonna have a heart attack.

Philip pulls back and cups Lukas’s face in his hands. Lukas quickly wipes his eyes, tries to focus on him. Two and a half months without this face. It feels like the shittiest decision he’s ever made, and he’s made some shitty decisions. 

“Every place you go, buy us each one of those keychains with our names on it,” Philip says. “Okay? We can do something cute with it when you get home.”

“Like a thing we can hang on the wall or something?” Lukas asks, sniffling. “Like an art project?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, nodding, tracking his thumbs across Lukas’s cheeks and wiping his tears away. “I can get this kind of like, key hanger frame thing. I can develop some photos of us while you’re gone and have it basically ready when you get back.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, resting their foreheads together. 

“You’re gonna do good, right?” Philip says, laughing a little bit. 

“Of course,” Lukas says. “Gonna win a bunch of money so I can take you out to a nice dinner for your birthday as soon as I get back.” _So I can propose to you on top of the Empire State Building. So I can make you want to marry me more than you ever would have before._ He’s got so many ideas and he has to make it perfect. Because this boy in his arms is fucking everything to him, his every day, his all the time, and every time he thinks about how long they’re gonna be apart he feels like he’s gonna pass out.

“I’d love you even if you came in dead last in every race,” Philip says. 

“I wouldn’t love me,” Lukas says, laughing.

Philip kisses him then, soft, combing his fingers through the hair at the base of Lukas’s neck.

“Don’t let that shithead homophobe look at you wrong,” Lukas says, nuzzling Philip’s cheek, his heartbeat speeding up when he hears flight announcements on the overhead. His blood boils at the thought of King Prick, still living way too close to where they’ve made their lives together. “Go to Nathan if he so much as sneezes in your direction.”

“I will,” Philip says. “Helen and Gabe are gonna come stay with me a couple times, so I’ll be fine. Not even one bit lonely.”

“Good,” Lukas says, kissing him. “Pay attention in class.” He kisses him again.

“I will,” Philip says, and kisses him one more time. “You pay attention on those tracks.”

“Oh, I will,” Lukas says, and he absolutely plans on avoiding any possible accidents while Philip is so far away from him. “You’re taking the train back, right?”

“Yeah,” Philip says.

“Text me when you get home,” Lukas says, feeling his eyes stinging again. “I’m gonna have Wi-Fi on the plane so you can talk to me the whole time.”

“God Bless JetBlue,” Philip says, grinning.

Lukas knows he’s gotta go and he sighs, looking over at the security line. He looks back at Philip and tugs him into a big kiss, slipping his tongue into his mouth. He doesn’t care who’s watching, and the ghost of his past self still echoes in his head but it doesn’t matter anymore, not now, not ever. He doesn’t care if the whole world sees him kissing Philip. He wraps his arms around his middle and lifts him up a little bit, Philip making a happy noise into Lukas’s mouth. 

Philip peppers little kisses all over Lukas’s face when the big one breaks. He’s trying to hide and Lukas can tell, tipping his chin up and kissing him one more time. 

“Don’t let Izzy forget me,” Lukas says, clearing his throat.

“As if,” Philip laughs.

“And don’t you forget me,” Lukas says, his hands linked at the small of Philip’s back as he sways them back and forth.

“Right back at you,” Philip says, his hands braced on Lukas’s shoulders. He cups Lukas’s face in his hands again and kisses him, and Lukas can tell this is the last one. He sighs into it, and he knows he doesn’t need to memorize the curve of Philip’s bottom lip because he’d never forget it, not even if he got amnesia. He could kiss Philip once and all of it would come flooding back.

“I love you,” Lukas whispers, against Philip’s skin.

“I love you too,” Philip says. “Now go on and get through security.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, wiping at his eyes. He reaches down to hold Philip’s hand, picking his bag back up and hoisting it up onto his shoulder. 

“Make friends, sugar,” Philip says, and Lukas’s stomach flips.

“Hush,” Lukas says, laughing.

Philip kisses Lukas’s cheek one more time and lets go of his hand. “Love you. Have a great flight.”

“Love you too,” Lukas says, holding his license and boarding pass out to the agent. “I’ll text you as soon as I’m through.”

“Okay,” Philip says, stepping back and wrapping his arms around himself. He looks so small and Lukas knows he has to win every race, just to make this worth it.

Lukas watches Philip as he winds through the line. Steals looks back at him as he takes off his shoes and puts his stuff into the bins. Stares at him as he goes through the metal detector. And once he’s got all his stuff back together he moves so he can get a better view of Philip through the exit, people weaving in and out and almost obscuring his view. 

Philip waves, grinning at him, and Lukas can tell his eyes are shining.

Two and a half months.

Lukas blows a kiss and Philip catches it, bringing his hand to his mouth.

“I love you!” Lukas yells, probably too loud.

“I love you more!” Philip yells back, still smiling brilliantly. 

“Impossible!” Lukas yells, and a few people look at him, a few girls smiling when they see who he’s talking to. He knows they could stand there for a thousand years and he sighs, taking a last look before he backs up, his hand over his heart. He turns the corner and Philip is out of sight, and the tears start flowing again. Lukas’s whole face hurts and he wipes the tears away as they fall.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket. _I miss you already._

Philip replies almost immediately. _Me too. I’m still standing here._

Lukas blows out a sigh. _Don’t tell me that. I’m liable to come rushing back._

He walks over to his gate and sits down by the outlet tower, his phone buzzing again. _Okay, I’m leaving. Love you love you love you._

Luks swallows over the lump in his throat. _I love you beyond all measure._

Two and a half months. He doesn’t know how he’s gonna do it.


	2. Chapter 2

The emptiness of their bed is the worst part. The first week Philip goes to bed depressed and wakes up confused, despite the fact that he’s well aware Lukas isn’t gonna be there. He’s taken to letting Izzy sleep in the bedroom with him, and to his horror, she looks around in the morning for Lukas to take her on her walk.

Philip sighs, looking at her sitting in a patch of sunlight, her nose in the air. “He’s not coming,” Philip says, half on Lukas’s side of the bed and half on his own. “He’s not here, Iz.”

Izzy turns to look at him and cocks her head.

“I don’t like it either,” Philip says, laying back. He turns his face into Lukas’s pillow and breathes in the scent of him. He knows it won’t be gone before he comes back, but Philip’s mind keeps creating ridiculous scenarios where every trace of Lukas leaves the apartment, making a barren space. He knows it’s stupid. But his mind is stupid when he’s missing Lukas this badly. It’s only been a fucking week.

Izzy jostles the bed when she jumps up on it, flopping against Philip as she lays down. Philip laughs a little bit, rubbing her side. 

“Breaking the rules,” he says. “What would daddy think?”

Philip’s phone buzzes and his heart jumps. It feels like back when they were first dating, a near heart attack every time he’d hear Lukas’s text tone. He stretches back over his shoulder and unplugs his phone, opening up the message.

_Good morning baby. Can I call you?_

Philip finds himself smiling, typing out a reply. _Morning sug. Just laying here with Iz, you can if you’re free :)_

He sends it and sighs, scratching Izzy’s ears. He doesn’t have class for another two hours, but he’s still used to waking up early when Lukas does. The phone rings and he answers it immediately. “Hello?”

“Who’s this?” Lukas’s voice says. “You sound really cute.”

“You sound really cute,” Philip says, smiling. “Your shoulder still hurt?”

“It’s like a dull ache at this point,” Lukas says. “Unlike the ache in my heart.”

Philip snorts. “Same,” he says. 

“For real. It’s been a week and I’m dying.”

“You’re not dying.”

“I’m _dying_.”

“You’re a second place winner is what you are,” Philip says, looking down when Izzy turns onto her back and presents her belly for petting.

“Ugh, don’t try to make it sound better than it really is,” Lukas says, and it sounds like wind is rushing by behind him. 

“A hundred dollars is something, baby,” Philip says, rubbing his eyes for a moment before resuming the petting. “I’m proud of you and that’s all that matters, anyway.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Lukas says. He sighs and Philip does too, missing him so hard that it’s nearly overwhelming. “You getting ready soon?”

“Should be,” Philip says. “Just lying in bed right now, it still smells like you and it’s driving me crazy.”

Lukas blows out a breath. “You know I took like half your wardrobe so I could smell you while I’m gone, right?”

Philip laughs. “Smell me.”

“You were just talking about smelling me!”

“But the way you said it was funny,” Philip says, grinning. He sighs again. “You travelling right now?”

“I’m out at this diner with a few of the other guys,” Lukas says, and then Philip gets worried about keeping him on the phone. “I got the keychains at this gas station a few minutes ago, they didn’t make any sense. They were dragons.”

“Dragons,” Philip laughs. “Perfect.”

“We’re gonna have 8,000 keychains on the wall,” Lukas says. “Among all the other presents I bring home for you.”

“Don’t buy me anything,” Philip whines, turning onto his back, and Izzy huffs, resting her chin on his stomach.

“Yeah right,” Lukas scoffs. “I barely packed my red suitcase so I’d be able fill it with presents for you and our daughter.”

Philip rubs her head. “More for her than me,” he says. “Now go hang out with your new friends, because if you don’t I’ll just stay on the phone with you and skip class.”

“Hmmm, would that be so terrible?” Lukas says, and Philip can hear some people talking in the background. 

“Nope,” Philip says, and he knows he could lay here and talk to Lukas until the end of time, if someone brought him food and water. But he’d much rather have him here. He can’t imagine months of not touching him. He’s already thinking about when he’s gonna go and visit. “But I should probably get ready. It’ll take you three hours to get to Lakeside right?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Then tomorrow we’re free and race the next day.”

“You think you’ll practice at all?” Philip asks.

“Probably,” Lukas says. “Or maybe I’ll facetime with you all day.”

Philip smiles. “Definitely a date tomorrow night. But not too late because you’ll need your rest.”

“We’ll see how late we can get,” Lukas says. 

Philip hums a little bit, looking forward to it. “Okay, text me in a bit here.”

“Of course,” Lukas says. “I love you so much, baby.”

“I love you too, Lukas,” Philip says.

“Talk soon. Like in two seconds.”

Philip snorts. “Bye!”

“Bye!”

Philip hangs up and sighs again. It hasn’t even been that long and he feels Lukas’s absence like a hole in his chest, and it’s still so strange to think they haven’t been apart this long since before they met. 

Izzy whines a little bit and Philip scratches her head. 

“He’ll be back,” Philip says. “Silly. He’s off being a motocross star but he’ll be back.”

Philip’s phone buzzes and he looks at it. A text from Lukas. _Can you send me a picture of you? I’m having withdrawals._

Philip snorts, shaking his head. He ruffles his hair a little bit and maneuvers around so he’s got Izzy in his lap, leaning down so they’re face to face. He grins, taking the picture, and then quickly sends it, putting his phone aside but still eyeing the little typing dots that pop up. “Okay, girl,” Philip says. “I gotta get ready to go out.”

Lukas’s message comes through. _My two favorite angels. I miss you so bad._

~

He stands in line at Starbucks like they usually do today and gets up to the front, his favorite barista greeting him at the register. 

“Where’s Lukas?” she asks, her hands on the counter, looking around like Lukas might be somewhere behind him. “He never seems like one to oversleep.”

Philip laughs a little bit. “No, he’s uh—he’s off on a motocross tour until May.”

Her face falls. “Oh my God, that’s a long time.”

“Yeah,” Philip says, nodding at the other barista when she asks _the usual_? “It’ll be okay, though.” He looks behind him to make sure he isn’t holding up the line, but no one else is waiting to order.

“Izzy missing him?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” Philip laughs, really realizing now how much of their lives they’ve shared with her over the years. “Probably more than me.”

She gives him a look like she knows better than that. “Well, I’ll make sure to add a little extra sweetener to your drinks until he comes back, okay?”

Philip smiles at her. “That might make me feel better.”

~

_The girl at Starbucks is worried about me._

_Yeah? Why?_

_Thinks I don’t have enough sweetness in my life now that you’re away._

_Oh well…she’s right. You’re way too spicy without me in your life._

_Spicy! Spicy!_

_Sass. Just complete sass. You only get your measure of sweetness because I kiss you all the time._

_Well. You better come right back, or I’ll become an angry old man._

_It’ll be like Sleeping Beauty. I’ll have to kiss you to bring you back as My Philip again._

_I’m always your Philip <3_

_I love you._

_I love you too._

~

Helen calls him as soon as he gets in from taking Izzy for a walk that night, and he barely gets her off her leash in time to answer the call. 

“Hello?” Philip says.

“How you doing, kid?” she asks. 

“Fine,” Philip says, hanging the leash on the wall and putting his keys beside it, locking the door behind him. “Just got home from Izzy’s walk. Had a busy day with class and the shoot this afternoon, but I’m in for the night now.”

“You still having trouble sleeping?” Helen asks.

Philip sighs for what feels the hundredth time today. “Yeah. I didn’t tell Lukas because I don’t want to worry him.”

“You should probably tell him,” she says. “Just try to do it after his next race if it’s still going on.”

“Yeah, I will,” Philip says, walking over and collapsing on the couch. Usually Lukas would be watching TV right around now, his feet up on the coffee table. He’d have on every light in the apartment and Philip would have to remind him that their parents pay their power bill still, and he needs to like, chill. “How’s everything going over there?” Philip asks Helen, trying not to focus too much on the emptiness of the apartment without Lukas here.

“Alright, Gabe and I were just talking about coming to see you in April. You think you’ll have some time?”

“Of course,” Philip says. “You think you’ll just come the once?”

“We figured we’d do one big trip,” Helen says. “Stay with you for a little over a week. How’s that sound?”

He sorta wishes they’d come stay with him for the entire time Lukas is gone but he’s not gonna ask that, since he knows it isn’t possible. “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll definitely have class but I’ll hold off on scheduling jobs for when you’re here.”

“And you’re gonna go see Lukas after we leave?”

Philip taps his hand on his knee, watching Izzy take some big gulps from her water bowl. “Um, I think so. I’m not sure. I definitely want to visit him at least once.” He hears his text tone go off in his ear once, twice, three times. 

“Okay, well once we know specifics we’ll let you know,” Helen says. “I’ll let you start heading to bed. Try and sleep good. We love you.”

Another text tone. “I love you guys too. Talk tomorrow.”

“Yep, I’ll send you a message.”

“Okay, goodnight!”

“Night!”

He hangs up and looks at his messages. 

_Lakeside is boring._  
_I miss you._  
_We need to start talking about when you’re gonna visit._

And then another one comes through that’s not Lukas. It’s Angela. 

_Wanna do dinner at my place this Friday? I know you need some puppy love times four._

Philip smiles and shakes his head. He wonders how he’s coming off to people. He feels like everyone feels bad for him, and he wonders if his demeanor or social media presence is giving off lonely and depressive vibes. He quickly sends an affirmative response to Angela, already looking forward to the company.

Another message, from Lukas. _You around? Home? KISS._

Philip messages him back. _I miss you, just got home. You got a particular time you want me to come? Spring break is late April, I could come then._ And once he sends it he starts to feel kinda desperate. He likes to think he’s strong and independent, and yeah, he can get along by himself. Of course he can. He’s perfectly capable. But fuck, he’d rather not. He’d much rather not. Everything feels like some shitty alternate reality where he isn’t as happy.

His phone rings and he laughs a little bit, picking it up. “Hello?”

“I’ll be in Chicago April 23rd-25th, is that still spring break?”

“Yeah,” Philip says. “Classes start back that Monday.”

“You think you could skip that Monday and fly back home that day?”

“Probably,” Philip says, smiling slyly. “Did we just pick a visiting weekend?”

“Think so,” Lukas says. “And it’s close to when I come home! So I’ll see you and then I’ll get to see you so soon afterwards permanently!”

“And I’ll get to see you race in person,” Philip says, sinking a little bit more down into the cushions. “I mean watching it online is nice, but this’ll be nicer.”

“You’ll have the best seat in the house if I have anything to do about it,” Lukas says.

“Hey,” Philip says, chewing on his lower lip. 

“Yeah, baby?” Lukas asks, and his voice sounds like velvet, soft against Philip’s cheek.

“They know you’re gay, right?” Philip asks. 

“Yep,” Lukas says, without hesitation. “Everyone already knows about you and surprisingly, no one acted pissy or nasty, which is good. We pick up some new ones and drop off other ones as we go, but whenever I meet somebody I bring you up.”

Philip smiles to himself. “Okay, good,” he says, warmth blossoming in his chest. He shouldn’t have doubted it to begin with. 

“You in bed yet?” Lukas asks. 

“No,” Philip says, getting up and heading for the kitchen. “Lemme feed Izzy and then I can be.”

“I’m just gonna close my eyes and pretend you’re with me,” Lukas says.

“Good luck,” Philip says, opening up the cabinet and taking out Izzy’s food. “I try that every night. It doesn’t work.”

Lukas lets out a breath and it rattles in the receiver. “I can’t wait til you come with me on these things,” he says. “I know it just—we’re just—I’m not…fuck, I don’t know. I love riding, I do, but…my days just aren’t right without you.”

Philip braces his hand on the counter and nods to himself. “I know. Mine too.” He laughs a little bit, clearing his throat. “We’re a mess.”

“I know. I just ordered room service and I feel like I spent too much money.”

“Live it up, baby,” Philip says, bracing the phone on his shoulder as he pours the food into Izzy’s bowl. He puts the container on the counter, patting her on the head and moving into the bedroom. “I, on the other hand, am about to strip naked, brush my teeth and get into bed.”

“Oh, tell me more,” Lukas says. 

Philip grins to himself. He knows he’s got to get used to being alone, for the time being. But he’s already counting down the days til Lukas is back.


	3. Chapter 3

Lukas feels fucking wrecked. He’s got two wins, one second place and one fourth place, and he’s pretty proud of himself. In an ideal world he’d be winning everything, but in an ideal world Philip would be with him and he wouldn’t have to even ride for prizes, because they’d be rich and live in a penthouse in Manhattan.

He likes to daydream. 

They’ve got one more full day in Lincoln before they’re back on the road and he’s lying in what’s been his favorite bed so far. He feels good that he’s actually earning some money for once instead of Philip doing it all the time, but he’s gotta stop being a lazy asshole off the bike and go out instead of ordering room service.

He texts Philip back. _Yeah, it takes forever. Scares me every time, our ice machine is way better. Another thing to make me miss home._

They’ve been talking every spare minute but it still doesn’t seem like enough. Lukas knew it would be like this but somehow it’s worse than he expected, like something has literally been stolen from him now that he and Philip are apart. He’s never really had to deal with something like this except in the most dramatic moments in his life, like losing his mom and slipping into a coma, so he feels like the whole thing is amplified. Philip is essential. Philip is part of Lukas’s every day. So being without him, every day, feels like being displaced, like being locked in some alternate reality where he did things wrong and nothing worked out.

_I just gave Izzy some ice and she’s crunching away :)_

Lukas smiles, quickly answering him. _I need you to get a gopro and just wear it on your head 24/7 and I’ll watch the live feed. That’s the only way I’m gonna survive this trip._

It feels so mundane, but he wants to watch their dog eat ice. He wants to wash his face in their sink. He wants to walk along the Hudson holding Philip’s hand. He wants his own comforter. He wants to see that stupid crack in their ceiling that Philip likes to grumble about sometimes before they fall asleep.

He wants to be in Philip’s arms. The nights are like hell, trying to go to sleep without him. He doesn’t know how either one of them are dealing with it. 

_Ahhh but I’m doing so many secret things without you!_

Lukas runs his thumbs over the edges of his screen and wants to touch Philip’s face. Fuck, he misses him. Lukas has always wanted to travel, to get away. But none of it seems right without Philip.

Philip texts again before Lukas can reply. _Speaking of…I’ve been having trouble sleeping without you :(_

Lukas feels his throat go tight. _This whole time?_ He types. _You still are? Ugh, baby, you should have told me sooner._

He feels worse than he did, which he figures is why Philip has been holding out. Philip always thinks of him first, how he’s gonna react to things, how he’s gonna feel. He never thinks of himself.

_Didn’t wanna worry you. It’s okay, I’ve been taking melatonin, but Helen told me if I didn’t tell you soon then I’d be in trouble._

“She’s right,” Lukas says out loud, with a sigh. There’s a pretty watercolor sunset through the window and Lukas wishes his baby was here to see it with him. This has made him overly sentimental about Philip, and he’s already pretty fucking clingy and sentimental to begin with. He scoots a little bit closer to the headboard and starts a reply. _I’m having trouble too, yeah. I guess there’s not much else we can do…we talk every night before bed anyways and that’s the only thing I can think of. I just wish you were with me._

He clicks over to his email and opens up the receipt he got the day before he left. Two tickets to the 102nd floor of the Empire State Building. He can’t decide whether or not he wants to propose up there or on the 86th viewing deck, but he figures he’s gonna know what’s better in the moment. He wishes he could do it on Philip’s birthday, and he sort of hates how close to home he’ll be and how early in the day the race is. It almost feels like he could make it back, if he swung some kind of miracle. But either way, he knows he’s gonna propose within a day or two of getting back home. He’ll hide it all under wanting to have a nice date for Philip’s birthday and celebrating being home. Philip won’t know what hit him. 

_Me too_ Philip replies, and Lukas really can’t wait until they’re married and finished with college. They can travel together, bring Izzy. Philip can take jobs out of New York and Lukas can come with him. Lukas can do small prize races out of New York and Philip can come too, especially if he’s his manager, like they’ve sort of been discussing a little bit here and there. 

He has an idea. _Maybe we can record a little voice message and play it right before bed? Like right before we go to sleep. We can also record alarm messages! So I can wake up to your voice!_ He sends it and he feels smart as hell. Most of the alarm sounds in his phone are sort of traumatizing, so he likes the idea of Philip’s voice being the last thing he hears before he goes to bed and the first thing he hears in the morning. Just like home. 

A voice message comes through and Lukas grins to himself. He plays it.

“Perfect. You are so smart, Lukas.”

He laughs out loud, shaking his head. He clears his throat and presses record. “Philip, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on. I love you.” And sends it.

A message comes through from Tom, the dude from Arkansas that’s been doing motocross since he was nine years old. Lukas narrows his eyes and clicks to open it. 

_HEY DUDE, A BUNCH OF US ARE GOING TO THE HOTEL BAR FOR DRINKS—U IN?_

Lukas chews on his lower lip and sees Philip has sent another voice message. He opens it and listens. “Wake up, babe. Wake up, wake up!” 

Lukas laughs, shaking his head, and then another one quickly comes through.

“Lukas Waldenbeck, I’m in love with you.”

It fills him with warmth and he really wants to kiss him right now. He types out a message. _I love you. You’re an angel. That guy Tom I told you about—he just asked me to go to drinks at the hotel bar with some of the guys. You think I should go?_

He’s already sure of Philip’s answer. Philip loves when Lukas socializes, loves when he has friends. It takes a lot to get Lukas to open up to people, but he feels really close to the few friends they do have in New York. So Philip is always very pro-Lukas going out and having fun, even if he isn’t involved. 

_Yes! Of course! I love you too, just have fun and be careful._

Lukas clicks his tongue and nods to himself. He’s been a little wary of getting drunk since the whole cruise incident, and especially wary of getting drunk without Philip in the general vicinity. He always feels better when Philip is getting drunk too, because when he’s drunk and Philip’s not he always feels like a dumb kid who needs to be taken care of. And also he’s worried about saying something stupid, because whenever he gets drunk thoughts just spill out of his mouth. 

_Have fun have fun :)_ Philip messages again.

“Alright baby,” Lukas says out loud, wishing Philip could hear him. He opens up the message to Tom and replies.

~

Philip spends about three hours in the dark room developing his photos for the City Project, ruining about three takes before he gives up on this picture of the park he was pretty happy with. He’s trying not to be too clingy with Lukas while he’s out with friends. Philip was worried Lukas wouldn’t be sociable with these dudes at all, due to competitiveness or sadness or just plain being himself, a little closed off with new people, that air of coolness that Philip managed to break through purely because Lukas wanted him from the beginning. Philip tries not to feel too big-headed about that.

Izzy whines at the door and Philip leans down and taps on it a little bit, laughing. 

“I’m gonna be out soon, beggar girl,” Philip says. “You have eight hundred toys out there and a full food bowl, you don’t need company right now.”

Izzy whines again and Philip shakes his head. He hangs up three more prints and hears his phone buzz over on the counter. He wipes his hands and walks over to it.

_I’m Not Drunk!! This bar is great, they just gave us free fries with cheese._

Philip smiles to himself. He can tell Lukas is well on his way to being drunk just by how he’s typing, but he’s not quite there yet. _Male or female bartender?_ Philip asks. He doesn’t even bother returning to his work because Lukas’s dots come back up immediately.

_Female! Her name is Amy. She has a shih-tzu and a corgi at home and I know they would both be Izzy’s best friends._

Philip laughs and wishes he could see Lukas under some girl’s close attention. They’ve had girls hit on them before and every time Philip thinks it’s adorable how red Lukas gets.

_I’m glad you’re having fun_ he types.

~

Later that night Philip’s computer crashes for the eighth time and he puts it aside, turning on Lukas’s laptop in the bedroom. And as soon as he opens the browser like fifty tabs pop up, and Philip scoffs. 

“Jesus Lukas,” he mutters, but then he starts looking closer. The last tab is a receipt for Empire State Building tickets. Philip hums to himself, knowing he shouldn’t be snooping around, but he clicks on the next tab anyways. It’s a set of google results, and when he reads Lukas’s search his heart drops. 

_How can I tell the size of my partner’s finger for an engagement ring_

And all the links are purple meaning he clicked through all of this shit looking for the proper answer, and now that Philip thinks about it Lukas was playing with his hands a lot before he left. Philip just thought he was being clingy. His heart is beating fast in his chest and his eyes go wide as he clicks the next tab, seeing hours for the Hayden Planetarium.

Empire State Building. Planetarium. Ring size. Philip can tell what this is. It’s so fucking obvious. Lukas is planning on proposing, and it must be goddamn soon, since he wouldn’t buy the Empire tickets if he didn’t have a date in mind. Philip laughs to himself, covering his mouth and completely forgetting the reason why he needed to use the computer in the first place. His whole face goes hot. He knew this was coming but it still fills him with joy anyways, and he knows he’s got to get going if he wants to be ready for him.

He’s got to get a ring too.

He always knew Lukas was one for the grand gesture, so Philip figured Lukas would take the proposing on himself. But Philip wants to be a part of it too, wants to make his own gesture, wants to put a ring on Lukas’s finger when Lukas puts a ring on his. He knows Lukas won’t mind, and he loves the idea of surprising him. He closes the laptop and tries to pretend he doesn’t know what’s coming, but he’s already planning on calling Bo tomorrow and finding out Lukas’s ring size. He wonders if Lukas already has one for him. 

His mind is racing. He can’t stop thinking about it. They’ve talked about this for so long but it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen soon.

He’s lying on the bed feeling better than he has in a while when his phone rings. He looks down and sees that it’s Lukas. He tries to brace himself, pretending he never opened the laptop even though that precious idiot shouldn’t have left all the tabs open if he didn’t want his boyfriend who knows his password to find them. 

“Hello?” he says, answering the phone, trying to sound normal and not more in love than usual.

“Hey! Hey!” a very obviously drunk Lukas yells. Philip should have expected this, considering Lukas’s last five messages were full of misplaced letters, awkward capitalization and numbers where they didn’t belong.

“Hey babe,” Philip says, smiling. “You having fun?”

“I’m in the lobby!” Lukas yells, and Philip shakes his head. “I had—three rum runners and two—two margaritas. Two of them, Philip.”

“Where is everyone else?” Philip asks, sitting up a little bit.

“Behind the glass wall,” Lukas says. “You know what else, Philip?”

“What?” Philip asks, grinning. 

“Gavin is bisexual!” Lukas nearly yells. “He told me in confidence so don’t tell anybody else, okay? Okay baby?”

“Okay baby,” Philip says. Izzy is sitting on the floor staring up at him, waiting to be invited up onto the bed. Philip pats the space beside him and she jumps up, spinning around before she gets comfortable. “Are you having a good time?” Philip asks Lukas.

“Yes,” Lukas says. “But I miss you. I wish you were here. I can’t stop talking about you to everyone. I told Amy about you. Amy the bartender.”

“Oh yeah?” Philip says, his face hurting now from smiling so hard.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “All about you. All the things. She said I should definitely marry you.”

Philip snorts, his stomach doing another joyful flip. “She sounds like a smart girl.”

“You’re a smart—you’re a smart,” Lukas says. “You’re the smartest and the cutest and my favorite of all the evers.”

“All the evers?” Philip asks, tucking his feet under himself. “All of them, are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” Lukas says. “You’re—you make me the most sure. You make me who I am—you make me me. You make me myself. Without you I feel lost.”

Philip sighs, rubbing his chest. “You’re never lost because I’m always with you. See, I’m with you right now. I’m in your ear talking to you.”

“You’re in my ear?” Lukas asks, incredulous.

Philip laughs, grinning. “I’m in your heart.”

“Yes,” Lukas says, sounding a lot more confident with that one. “Yes. You own my heart. My heart is yours.”

“I love you,” Philip says. “I’m glad you’re hanging out with people.”

“I love you too,” Lukas says. “Yes. We got like, five appetizers. And three of them were free. I’ve eaten many things, Philip. But none of them taste as good as you.”

“You’re thinking about tasting me when you’re drunk, huh?” Philip asks, raising one eyebrow.

“I’m always thinking about tasting you,” Lukas says. “Jesus, your body—I wanna rub my hands all over you—”

“Lukas, you’re in public,” Philip says, though the words have their usual effect on him. 

“Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.”

Philip laughs. “You gonna go back to your room soon?”

“Yes,” Lukas says. “Relatively. Relatively soon.”

“Okay,” Philip says. He doesn’t want to keep him. He’s glad they’re in the hotel bar as opposed to some random place he doesn’t know, or he’d probably be tracking Lukas’s location right about now to make sure he gets back safe. 

“Okay, they’re calling me back in—I’ll call you as soon as I get—get back into the room. But it’s not home because you’re not there so. It’s not the best.”

“Have fun,” Philip says. “Yes, definitely call me. Don’t forget, okay?”

“I will never ever forget you, favorite babycakes angel face.”

Philip blushes even though Lukas is slurring and sounds ridiculous. “I love you.”

“I love you. I miss you. I miss you so much my whole—my whole soul is crying out for yours. Do you hear it? Do you hear me?”

“I can always hear you,” Philip says, and he’s glad that drunk Lukas can’t see him tearing up right about now. “Go have fun. Call me.”

“I love you. Yes. Okay bye baby.”

“Bye Lukas.”

Lukas rattles around and mutters to himself and sounds like he has a really hard time hanging up the phone, and Philip’s heart swells. 

“So fucking cute,” he mutters to himself. He does miss him, so fucking much, and without a second thought he gets up, walks over to their dresser and pulls out one of Lukas’s shirts. It’s one of the few he sleeps in, an old Red Hook High gym tee, and Philip quickly discards his pajama shirt and puts Lukas’s shirt on instead. He pulls the material up a little bit and smells it, suddenly wrapped up in Lukas. It’s not the same as having his arms around him, but it’s close. It makes Philip feel good.

He walks over to his phone and plays the recording Lukas made earlier.

“Philip, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on. I love you.”

Philip can’t stop smiling. He’s gotta get that ring.


	4. Chapter 4

Lukas knows he needs to focus when he’s on the bike and he takes a turn a little too sharply because he’s thinking about Philip. He gets a little close to Omar from South Carolina because he’s thinking about Philip. He makes a really good jump and thinks about Philip watching him, celebrating him from behind his computer. Lukas almost spins out but he regains his balance— that time it’s thinking of Philip that gets him right, knowing that any kind of accident would be a horror for them both, especially since Philip isn’t here. Lukas can’t imagine what it would be like if one of them got hurt and the other one wasn’t there. He doesn’t want to fucking think about it.

He comes in first and he looks for every camera that might be streaming to the internet. 

Today is the day. Today’s the day he’s gonna buy Philip’s engagement ring.

He waves at the cameras and thinks of Philip watching at home, sitting on the bed and cheering, hugging Izzy close. He points at one he hopes Philip is looking at and takes off his helmet, running one gloved hand through his hair. He mouths _I LOVE YOU BABY_ and hopes Philip can make out the message.

~

The guys all go out to this sports bar after the race but Lukas breaks off to go to the jewelry store in the mall downtown. He felt like an idiot back home, when he was trying to nonchalantly measure Philip’s finger without him noticing, but after about a hundred attempts he figured out he was a size ten. Lukas’s heart feels a million times its normal size as he marches into the store, and he tries to seek out the nicest looking lady behind the counter so he doesn’t get judged too hard. He was debating on lying, saying the ring is for himself, but he’s done with hiding Philip and what they have. He’s proud of it. He’s never been more proud of anything than the fact that Philip loves him.

There’s a girl with short cropped dark hair over by the ring case and she isn’t helping anybody, so Lukas picks up the pace and rushes over there. She looks up and smiles when she sees him, brightening up.

“How are you sir?” she asks. “Looking for something in particular today?”

“I’m good, and yeah,” Lukas says, nodding, his heart in his throat. He feels his phone buzz a couple times in his pocket but he doesn’t take out it yet. “I need to get an engagement ring for my boyfriend.” He says it with confidence, the butterflies in his stomach making him feel a little dizzy. He’s actually doing this.

The girl’s eyes go wide and for a second he’s worried, but then a smile spreads across her face. He looks down at her nametag. Marigold.

“That’s so great,” she says. “How long have you been together?”

“Like five years,” Lukas says. “But it feels like a lifetime.”

“What’s his name?” she asks, grinning. 

“Philip,” Lukas says, and smiles too. He gets lost a bit in the thought of him for a moment, Philip’s angelic face and the cadence of his voice and the way Lukas feels in his arms. It’s a sort of safety that he never thought was possible. He wants to get him something nice. Something that’ll bring out the light in his eyes, something that will somehow show the depths of Lukas’s love. Lukas knows Philip knows. But he’ll never stop trying to tell him.

“I can really see how much you love him,” Marigold says. “It’s all over your face.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, swallowing hard. “He’s like, the light of my life. Corny, but…yeah. I’m away from him right now because of work and it’s like, the worst.”

Marigold frowns. “How long?” she asks.

“We’ll be back together near the beginning of May,” Lukas says, counting down the days, the hours, the seconds. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and quickly looks at the messages.

_You are the best :)_   
_I love your face, I just wanna kiss you all over_

“What color do you think you want the ring to be?” she asks. “You saying light of your life makes me personally lean towards gold.”

Lukas nods. “Yeah, that’s…that’s what I was thinking.” It’s always been gold in his head, whenever he’s pictured this moment. And he’s pictured it over and over again, in situations that make sense—places in New York, Central Park, Empire State, even someplace in Tivoli that means something to them—and situations that don’t make sense, like next to some pyramid in Egypt, on top of the Eiffel Tower. He’d had a dream about them in a hot air balloon before, which he thinks is just about as likely as Philip going scuba diving with him. But Jesus, Lukas’s mind has been running wild with this proposing thing, even though he’s known what he wanted to do for a while now.

“How about something like this?” Marigold says. She reaches into the case and pulls out a little velvet pillow, and on it is the most perfect golden ring Lukas has ever seen. It isn’t too thick, borders running along the outside on either end in a little bit of a lighter color. Lukas stares at it and he can imagine slipping it on Philip’s finger.

“You like it?” Marigold says, laughing.

“I mean, I don’t know what it says about me that I’m falling in love with the first one I look at,” Lukas says, grinning. “But yeah, yeah—I do, it’s so cool.”

“Can you imagine giving it to him?”

The moment is becoming more and more vivid in Lukas’s mind. He can almost feel himself getting down on one knee. “Yeah,” he says, his voice wavering. “Yeah, I—do you think it can be engraved?”

“Definitely,” she says, nodding at him. “What would you want it to say?”

Lukas chews on his lower lip. “You think you could fit P + L Forever?”

She smiles at him, and her eyes are kind. “Absolutely.”

~

He has to wait a little bit for the engraving so he wanders around the mall, thinking about Philip. Sometimes it feels like a thousand years are pressed between them and Lukas’s mind wanders. He wants to do everything with him, every possible thing in every possible capacity. He can’t wait til they’re married. He can’t wait he can’t wait. He wants to be all Philip wants. He wants to make him happy, he wants to turn him on. 

Lukas walks past a Victoria’s Secret and sees a pair of flashy red underwear in the window. His mind wanders again, and his cheeks heat up, a flood of color rushing into his cheeks. Suddenly it feels like he’s behind closed doors, in their bedroom, and Philip is close behind him.

He wonders. He imagines some things he might have imagined before. He really fucking misses Philip. He wants to make him happy when he sees him. Wants to surprise him, try something different, nothing he’d ever admit to anybody else on the face of the earth.

Somehow, the idea of another sexy thing that only he and Philip share makes the images in his mind even more enticing. 

He walks into the store.

~

~

“Philip?” Bo says into Philip’s ear. “You okay?”

Philip dumps some food into Izzy’s bowl with his free hand and puts the bag back on the counter. “Yeah, I’m okay,” he says. “Everything alright over there?”

“Yeah, everything’s going good,” Bo says. “Proud of Lukas today.”

“Me too,” Philip says, grinning, though he is every day. 

“It was a great race,” Bo says. “He seemed a little out of it a few times in there, but he maintained the lead for most of it.”

“He looked good,” Philip says. 

It’s a rare thing that he actually calls Bo, and he’s been sorta been putting this off since he first thought about doing it. But today felt like the right day to do it, for some reason, especially after Lukas’s win. It’s like something is in the air, buzzing happily around his head. Like today the universe is pulling him towards the store to get Lukas’s engagement ring. He can’t explain it, can’t justify the feeling. 

He clears his throat. “So…I’m calling because I wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it?” Bo asks. “You sure you’re alright?”

Philip’s relationship with Bo has been leagues better since the beginning, the horrible days when everything was new. But his confidence suddenly wanes a little bit, his heart hammering in his chest, and he knows he couldn’t have Lukas with him for this conversation no matter what but he wishes he could hold his hand right about now. He braces himself. “So I’d like to know, uh—Lukas’s ring size. I know you got him that class ring he never wears, and like, the size—like…if you remember from when you got that for him. Yeah.” His whole face goes red. He couldn’t have sounded like a bigger idiot.

Instead of silence, which he was expecting, Bo chuckles a little bit. “Yeah, I—one sec—” He hears him move the receiver away a little bit. “Sarah, can you look in the top desk drawer there—yeah, receipts for Lukas’s senior year, is the one for his ring in there? Should be like—yeah. Yeah I think—does it say HJ on the top? Yeah that’s it. What size was his ring?”

Philip can hear Sarah talking in the background and he smiles to himself, pressing his lips together. 

“Size eleven,” Bo says to Philip. “So, uh—should we be expecting something soon?”

“Has he spoken to you?” Philip says, his voice squeaking stupidly. “Like, about…expecting something.”

“Not yet, but it sounds like you know more than we do,” Bo says. Philip hears Sarah yell in the background _TELL US AS SOON AS EITHER ONE OF YOU DOES SOMETHING!_ Bo laughs. “Did you hear her?” 

“Yeah I did,” Philip says, shaking his head and grinning. “I will, definitely. Thank you so much.”

~

After Philip gets the ring from a particularly nice associate named Matthew, he walks outside the store and sits on a bench, the wind whipping his hair around. His hands are shaking when he pulls the little box back out, and it almost feels as if someone is gonna rush by, knock him out and steal this from him. He holds it close to his chest as he opens the box.

This ring caught Philip’s eye as soon as he saw it. It’s white gold with dark edges, and it sort of looks like a vibrant night sky. Lukas is like the stars for him, forcing the darkness out of his world, and Philip can almost feel the night on top of the Empire State Building when all of this is going to happen. Can imagine Lukas shining against the backdrop of a shimmering night sky, high above the city they made their home. 

He got _Love You Forever_ engraved on the inside of the band, and his eyes trace over the letters. He closes the box and holds it to his chest, letting out a breath. He feels his phone buzz a couple times and he grabs it out of his pocket, still clutching the box. 

_Eat dinner yet? Going home yet? I miss you. Want a date tonight :) Missing you real bad._

Just as he’s about to reply his phone rings, Helen’s name flashing on the screen. 

“Hello?” Philip answers.

“Did you get it?” both Helen and Gabe ask at the same time.

Philip snorts. “Yup.”

“Can you send us a picture?” Helen says.

“Yeah, I will in a second here,” Philip says. “It’s making me kinda paranoid being out in public with it, like I’m gonna drop it into a gutter like an idiot.”

Gabe laughs. “Just keep checking to make sure it’s still in your pocket. I remember when I went out to get Helen’s ring. I even drove slower on the way home just in case something insane happened.”

“Awww,” Helen says.

Philip echoes the sentiment. “I know, I get it. I feel like it’s worth more than me.”

“Well, we disagree with that statement and I’m sure Lukas would too,” Helen says. “When is he gonna do all this anyway? Did you catch any dates when you were snooping?”

“Oh my God, I wasn’t snooping,” Philip scoffs. “And anyway, no, I looked at everything and there were no dates, Empire State tickets can be used at any time.”

Both of them laugh at him. 

“I’ll keep you updated,” Philip says, shaking his head and trying not to smile too hard.

“Okay,” Helen says. “We’re getting ready to come up there soon, so I hope you’re ready for us.”

Philip grins. “I’m always ready for you guys.”

~

~

Lukas is curled up in the bed, already down to his boxers, his phone making a red mark on his cheek because he and Philip have been talking for so long. The fan in this room keeps going on and off, creating a strange silence every ten minutes that makes Lukas talk louder. 

“And then Angela was like ‘you looking for something?’ and all three dogs were growling. He looked scared and I couldn’t tell what he was more scared of. I was hoping Nathan would burst out too and give him a heart attack.”

Lukas shakes his head. “I hate this fucking guy, man.”

“Me too,” Philip says. “He’s been sorta scarce lately but when he’s there he’s just as creepy.”

“I can’t believe we don’t even know his name,” Lukas says. “Probably something stupid. Like Blaine. Or Scott. A douchebag name.”

Philip laughs and he sounds so cute. Lukas sighs to himself. The ring box is on the bedside table so Lukas can keep an eye on it, and it’s making him miss Philip more. Making every bit of the love in his body rush up to the surface. The pink bag from his second shopping experience is buried at the bottom of his suitcase, but every bit of him knows that it’s there.

“Let’s not talk about him anymore,” Lukas says. 

“Okay,” Philip says. “I’m sure there are plenty of things we can talk about. Like how sexy you looked in the race this morning.”

“Oh yeah?” Lukas says, the corner of his mouth twitching up. “You’ve said that a bunch of times today, it must be true.”

“I’ve never been more attracted to a person in my entire life,” Philip says. “I can’t wait til I visit and I can see you ride in person.”

“I wanna see you ride in person,” Lukas says, closing his eyes. “If you know what I mean.”

Philip snorts. “Oh my God, Lukas.”

“What?” Lukas says, smiling to himself as he rolls onto his back. “You keep going on and on about how sexy I am, but you’re forgetting that you’re the most beautiful person on the planet.” He widens the spread of his legs a little bit. “God, I can just….I can just imagine…”

“What?” Philip says gently. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

A few sharp sparks skitter up Lukas’s spine, and he adjusts the phone against his ear. “Thinking about you in my lap, baby. Thinking about you riding me.”

Philip hums a little bit. “I wish you were inside me.”

Lukas lets out a harsh breath that seems even louder when the stupid fan goes off.

“You know what I did the other night?” Philip says, all low and throaty. “I didn’t tell you.”

“What?” Lukas says, his hand tracing down his chest and under the covers. He teases around the elastic of his boxers before pushing past it, palming his dick. He takes it in his hand, starting to stroke himself.

“I fingered myself and thought of you,” Philip whispers. “It’s not as good as when you do it, but fuck, just thinking of you, looking at that picture you took for me…”

Lukas blushes. He took this shitty naked picture of himself a couple days ago and instantly wished he was better looking, but Philip gushed over it so much that Lukas couldn’t remember why he hated it in the first place. 

“Fuck, Philip,” Lukas says, working his cock faster with this new amazing image in his head. “God, God, thinking about you doing that to yourself….”

“I know you like to watch,” Philip whispers. 

Lukas is trembling, breathing fast and hard through his mouth. “Wanna touch you right now,” he whispers. “Fuck, I miss you, I miss having you next to me—under me, on top of me—you’re touching yourself right now, right?”

“God, yes,” Philip whispers. “Thinking about everything, every fucking thing—I’m gonna jump you when I see you, Lukas. God, God. Want you so bad.”

Sweat breaks out on Lukas’s forehead despite the coolness of the room. “Can’t—can’t wait, baby. I’m—ugh, I’m closing my eyes and pretending it’s your hand on my cock. Not the fucking same, you do everything so—so much better—”

“I’m gonna jerk you off,” Philip says, breathing harder, and he sounds closer to the phone somehow, closer to Lukas. “Suck you off—take your dick so deep into my mouth—make you see stars, Lukas.”

Lukas moans, his brows knitting together as he works himself even faster, steadier. “Philip.”

“Gonna fuck you,” Philip whispers. “Gonna let you fuck me. God, we’re gonna be—oh fuck—we’re gonna be in bed the whole visit.”

“Good,” Lukas gasps, thumbing over the head of his cock. “Yes, yes.” He imagines their house, their place, Philip in their bed. “Are you—are you on my side of the bed?”

“Yes,” Philip says. “Smells like you. I’m—I’m wearing your shirt, too.”

“Yeah?” Lukas breathes, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Yeah, yeah,” Philip says, whining a little bit, groaning. “Lukas.”

Lukas pictures Philip’s face contorted in ecstasy, those plush lips forming his name. That beautiful body writhing in the spot where Lukas normally sleeps. Philip’s delicate fingers wrapped around his own cock, and then Lukas pictures the ring on his finger. “Oh fuck, Philip,” Lukas moans, his orgasm building, making him shake. “Philip.”

“You gonna come for me?” Philip says, his voice breaking.

“Oh—oh fuck, fuck—” and then Lukas arches his neck back and comes into his own hand, working himself through it. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter, barely remembers to keep holding the phone to his ear before he hears Philip coming apart too, gasping Lukas’s name. 

Lukas breathes hard, in a trance full of joy and hope for the future. He doesn’t think about cleaning himself up just yet, pulling his hand out of his boxers. He listens to Philip breathing and pictures him again. It’s almost like he can see him, like their connection is opening up a window in the universe and allowing Lukas in.

“You’re so beautiful,” Lukas says, his chest heaving. “You, you—God, I love you.” 

Philip laughs a little bit. “I love you too. I love doing this with you. It’s not as good as having you here but it’s pretty fucking hot.”

“Yes,” Lukas breathes, grinning. “Everything about you is hot, Philip.”

“Right back atcha, sugar,” Philip says. 

Lukas opens his eyes and looks over at the ring box on the bedside table.

Philip is gonna be his fiancé. Philip is gonna be his husband. 

“Today was a pretty good day,” Lukas says. “You know, for being away from you—it ranked up there. Pretty—pretty good.”

“Yeah?” Philip asks.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, staring at the ring. “What about you?”

“My day…” Philip trails off, and he sounds a little different, the smile evident in his tone. “My day was pretty good too.”

“Good,” Lukas says, because he’s happy when Philip is happy. They’ve been texting all day and Philip seemed like he was a little distracted at times, doing some last minute cat shoot for a girl downtown. But Lukas knows he was distracted too, trying desperately to avoid lying when he was out buying the ring. 

“I can’t wait to see you,” Philip says.

Lukas closes his eyes again, imagining Philip in his arms. “Me either, baby,” he says.


	5. Chapter 5

Philip gets home from class and gives Izzy the bacon bone he bought on his way home, watching her rush over to the corner of the room with it and promptly start chowing down. It kills him how she always acts like he’s gonna steal it from her even though he’s the one that gave it to her in the first place. He takes his camera out of his bag and puts it on the counter, laughing at her.

“Iz, are you enjoying that?” he asks. “Is that good?”

She doesn’t pay him any mind, not even looking over her shoulder, and he laughs again. He puts his bag down on the chair and takes out his phone, taking a picture of her and sending it to Lukas. _She’s chowing down._

He kicks off his shoes and tosses his phone onto the armchair, pulling the coffee table out and over against the wall by the door to the laundry room. Helen and Gabe should be here within an hour and Philip walks over, putting the couch cushions aside and pulling out the bed. He walks into the bedroom to get the extra pillows and sheets out of the closet, hearing his phone buzz with a reply. He dumps the sheets onto the couch bed and grabs his phone, smiling to himself. 

_Omg with the hovering in the corner, typical. Tell her Lukas is gonna take it away from her._

“Izzy!” Philip calls. She spares him a quick glance but her brows are furrowed, and she keeps chewing. “Iz, Daddy is gonna come take that away from you!”

She moves closer to the bone, shielding it from his view. He messages Lukas back. _She’s very disturbed, as I’m sure you expected._

Then there’s a knock at the door. Philip smiles to himself, looks over at Izzy again and sees that she’s eyeing the door but is refusing to move from her guard position in front of her bone.

“You’re gonna need to take good dog classes,” Philip says, pointing at her as he gets up and walks over to the door. He feels a wonderful sense of relief when he opens it and sees Helen and Gabe standing there, enough bags packed for the week they’ll be staying. 

“Hey guys!” he says, and he thinks he probably sounds a little too excited. 

“Hey kid,” Helen says, pushing her way inside and planting a big kiss on his cheek. 

“You doing alright, Philip?” Gabe asks, shutting the door and pulling him into a hug once Helen ruffles his hair.

“He’s still missing Lukas,” Helen says. “It’s all over his face.”

“You don’t even need to see it on my face,” Philip says. “I’m not exactly being quiet about it.”

“Which door is the one of the guy you were talking about before?” Gabe asks, gesturing over his shoulder. 

“I don’t want you guys starting anything,” Philip says, narrowing his eyes. 

“You think we’re gonna start something?” Gabe asks. “No, not us. Not this one,” he says, rubbing Helen’s shoulder and smiling.

“I was just wondering if I got a good view of his door with the security cameras,” Helen says, raising her eyebrows. 

Philip laughs, feeling his phone buzz in his hand. “God, half the time I forget those things are there. How many times have you watched Lukas and me coming back to the apartment drunk?”

She glares at him then. “Too many.”

Philip laughs, looking down at his phone. “He’s in 6E,” he says. “King Prick.” The message is from Lukas. _They there yet?_

“Is that what you call him?” Gabe asks. “You don’t know his first name?”

“Nah,” Philip says, texting back _Just got here, they’re right in front of me :)_ He looks up again and shrugs. “He’s inconsequential. And we hate him so he doesn’t get a name.”

“That’s my boy,” Helen says, leaning in and kissing his cheek again. 

Philip’s phone starts ringing and he sees that Lukas is trying to facetime him. Gabe grabs Helen’s bags and wheels them over to the couch. “It’s Lukas,” Philip says. “I’m assuming he wants to say hello.”

“He’s not busy today?” Helen asks.

“Not til tonight,” Philip says, accepting the call. Lukas is there on the screen, and he’s standing outside somewhere, his hair blowing in the wind. He’s wearing one of Philip’s shirts and Philip instantly has feelings about that, boiling in the pit of his stomach. He clears his throat. “Hey babe!” he says, his voice squeaking a little bit. 

“Hey baby!” Lukas says, grinning. “They right there with you?”

“Right here,” Helen says, turning the phone so she can see him.

“Hey!” Lukas yells. “How was the drive?”

“She wouldn’t know,” Gabe says, walking back over.

Lukas laughs, grinning, and he looks so shining bright and beautiful that Philip feels dizzy. “Of course.”

“I like to drive,” Helen says. “Just…not for that long.”

“Well I’m glad you guys are there,” Lukas says. “Babycakes here has been really sad without me, like, barely getting through his days, missing class, forgetting to eat—”

Philip scoffs, shaking his head. “As if you haven’t been crying every night.”

Lukas grins. “Yeah, I’m not gonna deny it.”

“Don’t worry Lukas,” Helen says. “We’re here and we’re gonna distract him so much that he’ll barely remember how much he misses you.”

“Please keep the line between fun and too fun uncrossed,” Lukas says, cocking his head. “Anything that’s too fun needs to be saved for when I’m back.”

“Don’t know if we can promise that,” Gabe says, winking at him. 

“Love you guys,” Lukas says. “Philip, can you, uh—take me into the bedroom real fast?”

“Oh wow,” Helen says. “You guys—”

“Don’t,” Philip says, grinning and shaking his head at her. “Go make Izzy be a good dog and stop guarding that bone.”

“On it,” Gabe says, tugging Helen after him by her elbow. 

Philip stares down at Lukas as he walks the phone into the bedroom, watches him blow kisses and grin like the sexy idiot that he is. Philip closes the bedroom door and walks over to the bed, sitting down and holding the phone up again.

“Yes?” Philip asks, well aware that the ring is in the bedside drawer that’s currently in the shot behind him. He gets irrationally paranoid that Lukas has developed secret superpowers and will x-ray the drawer with his eyes and fish the thoughts out of Philip’s head. 

“I had the sexiest dream last night,” Lukas says. “It was after the race tomorrow—you were there, all of a sudden, and you took the flight with me and we had sex in the bathroom.”

Philip’s eyes widen. “Lukas, those bathrooms are like ridiculously small.”

“I know,” Lukas says, wagging his eyebrows. “It was sexy as hell.”

Philip shakes his head. “I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to make that fantasy come true, baby.”

“Never say never,” Lukas says, grinning. “But yeah, that’s all. Just wanted to remind you that I’m constantly thinking of different places to have sex with you.”

“I would expect nothing less,” Philip says, leaning in and kissing his camera.

~

Philip, Helen and Gabe go to the Barking Dog for lunch so they can bring Izzy with them, and she sits in front of the fountain with a Shiba Inu, both of their tags wagging wildly. They seem to be fighting over who can drink more.

“How’s Angela?” Gabe asks, cutting into a piece of French toast. 

“Thinking of adopting a fourth dog because she’s insane,” Philip says, peering over at Izzy, who is now getting kisses from the Shiba. 

“As if you and Lukas are only gonna have one dog for the rest of your lives,” Helen says, sipping her coffee.

“True,” Philip says, and even though he and Lukas haven’t talked about it, he knows they’re gonna adopt another dog or two sometime after they get married. 

“Sad that Iz can’t be a part of the proposal plan,” Gabe says, smiling. 

Philip’s heart gives a little jolt whenever he thinks about it. “Yeah. We could put a little vest on her and pretend she’s a service dog, bring her up to the 86th floor.”

“So Lukas has no idea?” Helen asks, leaning forward on her elbows. “That you know everything?”

“What exactly is everything?” Gabe asks, chewing his food. “You only mentioned Empire State, was there something else?”

“He was looking at the planetarium in the museum and then he had like five tabs open of ‘coolest restaurants in New York’,” Philip says, smiling so hard his face hurts. 

“How is he gonna pull all this off and not think you’ve got an idea of what’s going on?” Helen asks, laughing. “Do you guys often do big date days like that?”

“No,” Philip says. “Definitely not.”

“He’s probably just gonna use his homecoming as an excuse,” Gabe says. “I bet he does it within a day or two of being home.”

Philip’s heartbeat picks up again. He keeps trying to put himself in that moment but it feels hazy, flashes of all the different possibilities transposed on top of each other. 

“The top of the Empire State Building,” Helen says, a sly smile on her face. “Whoever would have thought Lukas could be so romantic?”

Philip thinks back to when Lukas bought him the Polaroid camera, the look on his face, how pleased with Philip’s reaction he looked. Philip knew the sweetness he was capable of, and once all the Ryan shit ended and Lukas came out, it started to show itself in spades. Lukas is the most romantic person Philip knows and it’s because he pays attention to every little thing that Philip does, that Philip likes, that Philip wants.

Jesus, Philip misses him so bad.

“Do you think he’ll care if you propose at the same time?” Helen asks.

“I doubt it,” Philip says, though he has briefly wondered. “No,” he says, deciding that Lukas will be too happy and excited to think of thunder stealing. “No, I think he’ll like it.”

“I think so too,” Gabe says, and there’s a glint in his eye that Philip can’t exactly place. 

His phone buzzes and he looks down at it, sitting next to his plate. It’s a really silly selfie of Lukas with a rainbow in the sky in the background. Philip gazes down at it, and quickly makes it the wallpaper on his phone.

~

The three of them watch Lukas race the next day, huddled anxiously around the laptop and yelling like they’re watching a football game. He comes in first, which sends them all into a frenzy that Izzy happily participates in. Philip loves Lukas to the end of the world and back, but he was never really sure how he’d stack up against other semi-professional motocross riders. So it’s been a goddamn shock at how many times he’s won these races, and now Philip is halfway expecting him to win all the rest of them. Lukas flies to Rockford, and Philip is highly aware that means there’s one more race before he gets to Chicago, where Philip will meet up with him. He’s glad Helen and Gabe will be here until he goes, like he’s got nothing but happiness leading up to the moment when he tumbles into Lukas’s arms.

Monday is the first day of Spring Break but Philip has three jobs in a row starting early in the day, and he nearly runs out of film on the second one. Luckily, the last one is a bridal shower and they were only interested in digital photos. He has a good time, and once again he finds himself thinking about when he and Lukas are gonna get married. He doesn’t want it to be a huge deal. They don’t need any kind of events ahead of time, they’re definitely not gonna have bachelor parties. They’ll probably just have a rehearsal dinner with the family the night before. He doesn’t even expect the wedding itself to be that big of a deal. As long as Lukas is there, as long as they exchange rings and get married, Philip will have all he needs.

_You back in the apartment?_ Philip texts Helen, as he walks into his building. _I’m coming up now._

And then his phone buzzes again, another message from Lukas. _Mmmm probably. I need all the cheese and it’s free. If you were here we’d steal all the chocolate chip cookies and probably get kicked out of the hotel. They’re a hot commodity._

Philip smiles to himself, crossing the lobby and getting into the elevator. _You’re a hot commodity, cheeseball_ he texts Lukas back, his phone buzzing with a message from Helen. 

_Yes, just got back from lunch, we’re playing tug of war with Izzy_

Philip smiles again, slipping his phone into his pocket and leaning against the elevator wall. He feels good, because he knows he’s gonna see Lukas so soon. Every moment with Helen and Gabe seems to make the time move faster, and he’s glad they were able to figure things out and come during Spring Break instead of when he had class. He only has one more job set before he leaves, and it’s in the park so Helen and Gabe can go with him. 

He gets out of the elevator and hears a slam in the hallway, and he narrows his eyes as he turns the corner. Of course, something had to come along to ruin his mood. King Prick is standing there in the middle of the hallway. He’s visibly drunk, some of it staining his shirt, and he looks a lot older with his new stupid haircut. His eyes swivel up to find Philip and he smiles, a sickening, twisted expression. Philip sighs, looking behind him under Nathan’s door, but it looks dark inside. 

“Your boy’s out of town, huh?” the prick says, taking one step towards him. 

Philip’s heartbeat picks up a little bit, but he tells himself not to be afraid of this guy. He’s an asshole when he’s sober and he looks even stupider blasted out of his mind. He’s not tall, just a little taller than Philip, but he’s somehow managing to take up the majority of the hallway.

“I’m leaving,” the guy says. “Moving away.”

“Good,” Philip spits out, looking him up and down. 

The prick smiles again, swaying and blinking like the kind of drunks they see on the street. “Your boy’s been gone for a long while, huh? Leaving—leaving you all alone—”

Philip is done with this and he steps forward, pushing past him. But then the asshole moves on him, shoving him into the wall next to their neighbor’s door. Philip’s head hits hard and he blinks through his shock for a moment before shoving at the guy’s shoulder, but then the last fucking thing he ever could have imagined happens.

The prick leans in and kisses him. Except it’s not really a kiss, more of a hard mashing of mouths, teeth biting down, a tongue trying to push through. Philip’s anger and horror bursts to the surface and he pushes him as hard as he can, knocking him backwards. 

“Get the _fuck_ away from me,” Philip yells, moving over towards his own door, and then it whips open, Helen storming out.

“What’s going on?” she yells, looking from Philip to the asshole on the ground to Philip again. His ears are ringing and he reaches up, touching his mouth. It’s pulsing, and there’s blood there. 

“You know you liked that,” the prick says, and he’s coming for him again, moving like a drunken boar, but Philip hits him. It’s not a good punch, he’s too freaked out and unfocused, but the guy stumbles back, looking up. It doesn’t take more than a millisecond before Helen is grabbing him by the arm and throwing him to the ground. 

“Gabe!” she yells. “Call the police!”

The guy just laughs but she’s got him pinned pretty good. Gabe rushes out and looks at Philip, his eyes wide, and then he pulls his phone out and dials 911. 

Philip is shaking and he touches his bloody lip again, feeling sick. Everything around him is hazy, his heart beating so fast he can’t keep up with it, his panic rising. He feels his phone buzz again and he knows it’s Lukas. He tries to think. He tries to think straight.

He knows he can’t tell him.

Philip walks inside the apartment, sees Izzy standing diligently at the door, whining a little bit. Philip feels like a zombie. Everything changed so fast, the direction of the day turned towards darkness because of some stupid fucking asshole. Philip takes Izzy by the collar gently and ushers her further inside, and he sees how much he’s shaking when her nametag starts jingling under his touch. He doesn’t want to talk to the police, but he knows there’s no stopping Helen, especially since she saw it, saw the blood on his face. He takes off his bag and puts it aside, glad his cameras didn’t get hurt in the process. He sits on the edge of the couch bed with Izzy and touches his lip again. 

He can’t tell Lukas. Not until they’re face to face. Because he knows Lukas and Lukas will barely be able to handle it when Philip is right in front of him, let alone if they’re states away from each other. He’ll shut down, he won’t be able to ride, he’ll have a hard time traveling. Philip has to wait. He has to lie.

Izzy whines again and nudges into his hand, and Philip pets the top of her head half-heartedly. His whole face is hot and he’s breathing hard through his mouth, and he feels sick. He feels sick to his fucking stomach. He kissed him. He fucking kissed him. He tried to stick his fucking tongue into Philip’s mouth.

Philip pulls out his phone with trembling hands. 

_I LOVE YOU CHEESECAKE. That’s you. You’re cheesecake <3_

The tears build, overflowing, and Philip covers his face with his hand, failing to swallow a sob. 

“Hey,” Gabe’s voice says, and Philip hears him approaching. “Hey, hey, hey.” He sits down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. “Are you alright?”

“Is—is the door closed?” Philip gasps, covering his mouth and turning into Gabe’s shoulder. “I don’t—I don’t want Izzy—”

“It’s closed, don’t worry,” Gabe says, rubbing his back. “She’s safe, she’s right here at your feet.”

“I don’t wanna be crying,” Philip says, crying harder. “I’m mad. I’m fucking mad. That fucker, that—” He pulls back and looks up at the closed door, a few more tears racing down his cheeks. He tries to quickly brush them away and he worries about Helen, but he knows she can take care of herself. He feels weak and stupid. He’s so fucking mad he wants to go out there and beat the shit out of that fucker until he can’t move anymore.

“He…” Gabe says, asking but trying not to push him.

“He fucking kissed me,” Philip says, scrubbing at his eyes. “He pushed me against the wall and kissed me and it only happened for a few seconds but goddamnit I should have stopped him immediately—he bit my lip—”

“Philip,” Gabe says, rubbing his shoulder. “You were shocked, people don’t react as quickly as they want to in these kinds of situations.”

“The cops are coming?” Philip asks, his eyes filling with tears again.

“Yeah,” Gabe says. “They’re on their way.”

Philip swallows hard, tonguing the bloody spot on his lip. “I can’t tell Lukas,” he whispers. “He won’t be able to deal with it if I’m not with him, he’ll freak out and lose the next race, could get—get himself into an accident. I can—I have to wait until I’m with him.”

“You think you’ll be able to hold off?” Gabe says. “You’ll definitely be speaking to him in the meantime.”

“I have to lie,” Philip says, a headache forming at the base of his skull. “I don’t want to but—God, I know him. I can’t tell him until I’m in front of him and he’s able to do something about it.”

“Okay,” Gabe says, softly. “Well, Helen and I will be here. The entire way, we’ve got you.”

Philip nods, sucking in a few shallow breaths.

~

Helen is in a rage the entire time they talk to the police. One officer immediately takes the asshole away, and Philip finds out his name is Trent Dour. He wants to tell Lukas right away, but realizes he can’t. They take pictures of Philip’s lip, and he fucking hates everything.

“You’ve had problems with this man before?” the officer asks. 

“Yeah,” Philip says. “He’s harassed me and my boyfriend before, and our neighbor, but he hasn’t ever gotten physical.”

“Do you want to press charges?” the officer asks, not unkindly. He’s been treating Philip with kid gloves this entire time and it reminds him of everything after Kane. When his mom died. Philip tries to center himself, get out of his own head. 

He looks up at Helen, who gives him a sad smile. “Yeah,” he says, hatred rising in his veins at this fucker for making him have to deal with this. He doesn’t want to show up to goddamn court, have to talk about this over and over. 

“He’s in the process of moving out, but you can also take out a restraining order so he won’t be able to come anywhere near you. His new residence is a good distance away.”

“Okay,” Philip says. 

He hates the way they’re all looking at him. He hates the way this feels. His phone buzzes in his pocket again and he pulls it out, seeing another message from Lukas. 

_You doing okay? A little quiet :) You guys busy having fun without me?? Too much fun??_

Every message from him makes Philip start crying again and he sucks in a breath, wiping at his eyes.

~

After the police have been gone for about an hour there’s a knock at the door, and even though Helen and Gabe both offer to open it, Philip gets up, having an idea of who it is.

And he’s right. Nathan is there, a look of horror on his face. “Philip,” he says, and Philip feels better in that moment because there are tears Nathan’s eyes and he’s the manliest man either of them know. But he feels worse, too, because obviously news has gotten around. He wonders how much everybody knows.

Nathan looks awful, shaking his head. “Man, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry.” He shakes his head and steps forward, tugging Philip into a hug. 

Philip sighs, closing his eyes. “Just don’t tell Lukas,” he says.

Nathan pulls back and looks even more incredulous than he did before. “You’re not gonna tell him?”

“Not til I visit him,” Philip says, licking the cut on his lip again. “He just…won’t do well being away and not being able to help. Fuck, he could blow everything and come back and I—I mean, I’m fine. I don’t wanna freak him out, it’ll just be…easier if I wait.”

Nathan nods, though he doesn’t look entirely convinced. “If Simone was out of town and I told her someone did this kind shit to me, I know she’d come hauling ass back here and probably get herself arrested. So…I feel you.”

“Good,” Philip says, and he knows it’s true.

“I’m gonna be here as much as you need me, okay?” Nathan says, raising his eyebrows. “Okay? I’ll run out of work if you need me to.”

“Thanks, man,” Philip says, and he feels so goddamn tired he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

~

Philip slips into the bathroom and scrubs at his mouth as hard as he can. He uses Lukas’s favorite hand towel and nearly rips it, he’s scrubbing so hard, the water scalding and unforgiving. He makes himself bleed again but maybe he’s scrubbed away all the skin that asshole kissed, so it’s worth it. His tongue didn’t make it into Philip’s mouth but it came close enough, so Philip gargles salt water about six times and washes his mouth out with soap, nearly gagging.

He looks at himself in the mirror when he thinks he’s done enough.

He looks like a goddamn mess.

~

_You busy right now? I wanna hear your voice!_

Philip stares down at the text message, swallowing a piece of his eggroll. He feels close to hyperventilating and Helen scoots a little closer beside him, rubbing his shoulder. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell him?” she says, really quiet, briefly looking up at Gabe, who’s on Philip’s other side. They’re all on the left side of the table and Philip feels a little stupid about it but he’s glad they’re close.

“I mean, I’m gonna tell him,” Philip says. “Just not right now.” His lip aches and he still feels disgusting and he knows that the only thing that’s gonna make this better is Lukas kissing him. Taking away what that fucker put there. 

“You don’t think he’d be able to make you feel better just by talking to you?” Helen says.

Philip leans forward, pushing his plate away. He doesn’t feel much like eating anyway. He rubs at his eyes and touches his lip without meaning to, sighing to himself. “No, I know him—he wouldn’t know what to do because I’m not with him. He’d try because he loves me but I know it’s…it’d be better if I wait.” 

He just wants Lukas here now. He’s needed him since he left but fuck now he _needs him._ He tries to put it in perspective. It could have been way, way worse, and it has been way worse for other people. He was really lucky Helen and Gabe were there. The shithead wouldn’t have even done it if he wasn’t drunk, because he’s had plenty of opportunities to fuck with them and never actually took them.

“Come here,” Helen says, pulling him to her. He lets out a breath, melting into her and closing his eyes, trying not to think about it for a minute. It really isn’t a big deal. He’s not really hurt. And he’s safe now, he’s okay.

Lukas has been the only one to kiss him in years. He wanted to live a life where Lukas was the only one to ever kiss him again. He feels Helen combing her fingers through his hair and he hates Trent Dour and his stupid fucking name and everything about him. 

His phone buzzes again and he pulls away from Helen, sniffling a little bit.

_You okay, baby?_

“Lemme call him,” Philip says, wiping his eyes. “I mean, it’s not that long til I see him. I’ll tell him as soon as we get to the hotel.”

“Okay,” Helen says, rubbing his shoulder. 

Philip gets up, his heart hammering in his chest, and he feels so weird about being nervous to talk to Lukas. He knows he can’t hint at it at all or Lukas would go into panic mode about what he doesn’t know. Philip sighs, walking into the bedroom and dialing Lukas’s number. 

He picks up on the first ring. “Hey, you okay?”

Philip clears his throat, trying not to freak out, trying to compose himself and keep the story inside. “I’m, uh—I’m just really missing you right now, Lukas.” It isn’t a lie. 

Lukas hums a little bit and Philip closes his eyes, trying to picture him in front of him. “Is having Helen and Gabe there making it harder?” Lukas asks, softly.

“Not, uh, necessarily,” Philip says, and he fucking hates lying to him but he keeps telling himself Lukas will know as soon as they’re alone. “I’m really glad they’re here. I just miss you.”

“I miss you too, angel face, so goddamn much,” Lukas says. “Hey, you know what came on in the lobby a few minutes ago?”

“What?” Philip asks, his arm wrapped around his stomach tight. 

“You’re just too good to be true…can’t take my eyes off of you…you’d be like heaven to touch…I wanna hold you so much….”

Philip’s whole face crumples and his chest bursts with warmth and pain at the same time.

“At long last love has arrived…and I thank God I’m alive…you’re just too good to be true…can’t take my eyes off of you…”

“Hey,” Philip says, his voice breaking, and he hopes Lukas doesn’t read too much into it. “I love you.”

“I love you, Philip,” Lukas says.

“Can you say it again?” Philip asks, sounding small. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you so much, baby. I can’t wait to see you. We’re so damn close. I’m gonna make out with you so hard in that airport, we’re gonna cause a scene.”

Philip laughs, and God he can’t wait for that moment. He needs Lukas to kiss him. He touches his mouth again. He’s so annoyed and upset and he feels like the nightmares are gonna be worse tonight, and he hates that this happened. He wishes he could have been faster. 

He wants Lukas so bad.


	6. Chapter 6

Lukas lays in bed and stares out the window at his amazing Chicago view, listening to the melodious sound of Philip’s voice. They’ve been on the phone for a little over an hour, and Lukas can tell Philip has been off lately. It makes him sad, that having Helen and Gabe there couldn’t quell the sadness that being apart brings them, and Lukas has felt worse recently too, a combination of missing him and knowing Philip is sad and trying to hide it. And he knows he’s trying to hide it because he can tell the inflection in Philip’s voice, can tell when he talks about certain things and barely mentions others. He knows him well enough by now.

Lukas can’t wait to kiss him. Can’t wait to hold him again. Can’t wait to surprise him with the goddamn lingerie that he hopes to God isn’t a weird thing to do, and he keeps replaying Philip’s voice in his head saying _nothing’s weird._

“You still there?” Philip asks.

Lukas clears his throat. “Of course,” he says. “The sea lions?”

“The cutest,” Philip says. “The darker one just sat there tanning for thirty minutes—”

“You guys stayed with the sea lions for thirty minutes?” Lukas asks, laughing. 

“Lukas, we stayed with the sea lions for over an hour,” Philip says. “But the dark one did that and the light one was zooming all around in the water and then he jumped up on the ledge right next to me.”

“Yeah?” Lukas asks, grinning. He loves that Philip sounds excited about this. The zoo was an amazing idea, and he knows he’s got to text Helen and Gabe and thank them for thinking of it.

“Yeah,” Philip says. “He looked so sweet up close, it was amazing. Helen got a picture with my camera, I’m gonna develop it when I come home from Chicago.”

Lukas hums happily. “Let’s not talk about coming home from Chicago just yet,” he says. “Let’s talk about you in Chicago.”

“I’ll be in your arms at ten in the morning tomorrow if the flight is on time,” Philip says.

Lukas lets out a dreamy little sigh. “Are you excited?” he asks, shifting a bit up towards the pillows.

“Ugh, Lukas. There’s nothing I want more.”

“I wish I could say you’d be sleeping with a champion,” Lukas says, rolling his eyes.

“Oh God, you’re so stupid,” Philip says. “Why does Rockford mean so much more than all the others you’ve won? You’ve won so many.”

“Because I should have won it,” Lukas says. He was so close the entire time. It’s strange, because he’s even prouder of his fourth place than this second place. He just felt like he had it in the bag and blew it. He doesn’t really like thinking about it, and he worries his dad is disappointed. He didn’t say he was, but Lukas has other ideas.

“No matter what you place….I love you,” Philip says, and his voice sounds so full of emotion all of a sudden that it makes Lukas’s world come into focus. 

“Do you love me more than sea lions?” Lukas asks, smiling softly.

“I love you more than the cutest sea lion in the world,” Philip says. 

“Good,” Lukas says. “By the way, Angela sent me the most ridiculous picture of Izzy—”

“Same,” Philip says, laughing a little bit. “She started living it up as soon as we dropped her off over there. When she’s with her buddies she barely remembers to miss us.”

“Yeah right,” Lukas says. “She misses us when we’re gone for five minutes.”

“She’s gonna be ecstatic when we’re both home and everything is right again,” Philip says.

“I know,” Lukas says, and he feels like he’s being annoying every time he says _I can’t wait_ so he doesn’t say it again. It’s his own damn fault they’re apart, and he keeps trying to tell himself that this is his life. But Philip is his life. Philip is his home. He can’t wait until they can do this together. Until school is over and they can make their own schedules.

Lukas closes his eyes. “Tomorrow, baby. You’re gonna be in this bed with me. And we’re gonna eat lemon cake right here in this bed.”

Philip snorts. “Lemon cake?”

“Philip, this place has the best lemon cake I’ve ever had and you know I don’t like lemons.” He has the room service menu on the bedside table and he’s already got his special surprise orders in for tomorrow, to be delivered to his room when he’s on the way back from the airport. He really hopes the flight is on time, but he tries not to think about dealing with that unless he has to.

“Well it must be good,” Philip says. “Alright babe, I’m gonna go watch _Wyatt Earp_ with the parentals.”

“ _Wyatt Earp_?” Lukas asks. “Gabe’s choice?” 

“Helen’s,” Philip says. “She’s built it up so I’m expecting the best western ever. Then I’m gonna go to bed early so I can get a couple hours of sleep in before I see you.”

“You should have gotten that later flight babycakes, I don’t want you to be tired,” Lukas says, bracing his elbow on the mattress.

“I wanna get to you as soon as I can,” Philip says. 

Lukas smiles to himself. “Well I’ll be awake so text me.”

“When are you waking up?” 

“Whenever you wake up.”

“I’m gonna wake up at four. Hopefully the traffic won’t be too bad, but I’m basically already ready. They’re gonna drive me to the airport and then come back and sleep for a little bit longer and then they’re gonna take off too.”

“They’ll slip the key back under the door?” Lukas asks, thinking about that homophobic asshole trying to break in and fuck with their shit.

“Definitely,” Philip says. “Way under.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, running his hand through his hair. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” It feels amazing to say that, a sense of security passing over him. He’ll see Philip tomorrow. He’ll get to touch him and kiss him tomorrow.

“See you tomorrow, babe,” Philip says.

“I’m so excited, Philip,” Lukas whispers.

“Me too.”

~

Lukas puts on the red lace underwear and blushes at himself in the mirror harder than he’s ever blushed in front of Philip, so he wonders how the fuck he’s gonna react when Philip actually sees him like this. Worst comes to worst he hates it and Lukas can take them off, and Philip has always been a fan of him naked so then they’ll be good to go. 

He thinks saying they fit isn’t exactly the way to put it—they only cover less than half of his ass, stretching hard to do that, and he keeps having to adjust himself, worried he’s gonna rip the lace. He got the largest size and he knew the girl helping him was well aware of what he was doing, a small smile on her face as she talked about sizes and material. He doesn’t know how he didn’t die there in that Victoria’s Secret, but the idea of pleasing Philip kept him going. 

He doesn’t know how the fuck he’s gonna function in a fucking uber and waiting around in the airport, and he’s positive everyone is gonna be able to see right through him and know he’s planning some kinky shit with his boyfriend. As if they could ever actually be kinky—they get so goddamn distracted by each other that they can barely focus on anything else.

Lukas looks at himself in the mirror, standing there naked save for a dainty pair of underwear. His father’s nightmare, but that makes him laugh. He doesn’t know what he thinks. He’s never wanted to dress in women’s clothing so he doesn’t know why this idea struck him. He’s been missing Philip so bad, he wants to do something different, something special, something he might like. He’s never been a big fan of his own body, anything about himself, but he keeps trying to see things from Philip’s point of view. 

He might think it’s hot.

Lukas sighs, pulling on a pair of boxers over them and jeans after, checking his phone again. Philip has been on the plane for almost an hour now, and Lukas is just about ready to call the uber to the airport. He just needs to put the flowers out, put the finishing touches on everything and make sure room service will be on time. 

He adjusts himself through his jeans and laughs, a little lightheaded, and blows out a breath. He’s glad Philip knows Lukas turns into a sex crazed freak sometimes and especially now, after they’ve been apart for so long. He wonders how long it’ll take him to start stripping off his clothes once they get back into the hotel. He hopes he doesn’t get too crazy in the uber and ruin his five star rating.

Philip Philip Philip. Lukas can’t _fucking_ wait.

~

He stands at the gate in O’Hare, shifting from foot to foot. He looks down at Philip’s last message from five minutes ago.

_They’re takin forever to get off the plane ugh_

He feels kinda like he used to in the beginning of their relationship, a different sort of anxious excitement than the familiarity they have nowadays. Like he might die if he doesn’t see him within the next couple seconds, like the invisible thread that ties them together is getting slacker and slacker and he can feel Philip’s closeness like the sun coming out and warming a cool morning.

He kicks his leg out a little bit, trying to adjust the underwear without being one of those dudes that grabs his dick in public. He doesn’t want to draw attention to himself because he knows he’s about to make a big damn scene when he’s got Philip in his sight.

He looks down at his phone again and texts Philip. _You outta there yet? I might get arrested rushing over there to find you._

He sighs, tapping on the edge of his phone, and then he feels it buzz.

_Look up._

His heart leaps and he looks up, his eyes searching through the crowd. He imagines this oncoming group must be the people from Philip’s flight, and Lukas steps forward a little bit, putting his phone into his pocket. He’s shaking like he’s about to meet a celebrity and he laughs at himself, standing on his tip toes to look over heads.

And then he sees him.

Philip moves out from behind a group of women, and he’s grinning and waving at him. He’s wearing Lukas’s light blue shirt and Lukas’s breath catches as he watches him approach. He wants to run to him, wants to knock everybody over to get to him, but he’s still on the other side of security. He’s right there, he’s right there, he’s so close and Lukas chews on his lower lip to keep from yelling out and making a fool of himself. He’s already wearing fucking lacy panties, he doesn’t need to act like a bigger idiot out in public.

As soon as Philip crosses the line Lukas strides forward, closing the distance between them, and wraps him up in his arms. Philip laughs and it sounds so close, right there, and he drops his bag, hugging Lukas back. Lukas buries his face in the curve of Philip’s neck and breathes him in. It feels like he’s finally on solid ground again. His hands fist in Philip’s shirt and he holds him tighter. 

Lukas can’t believe it. He’s here.

Philip runs his fingers through Lukas’s hair and presses his lips to Lukas’s cheek. “Jesus, I missed you,” he whispers.

Lukas lifts him up off his feet—Philip laughs again, clinging to his shoulders as Lukas swings him around briefly before putting him down again. Philip pulls back and Lukas smiles down at him, taking his face in his hands and bringing their mouths together. Philip kisses him back, hard, and Lukas wraps his arms around Philip’s waist, hauling him as close as he can get. The kiss deepens and they sway against each other. Lukas vaguely hears someone holler in the background but he doesn’t give a shit, basking in the joy that’s having Philip back in his arms.

Philip finally breaks the kiss and nuzzles Lukas’s nose, his eyes closed and his lips parted.

“I missed you too,” Lukas says, rubbing Philip’s back up and down. He gives him another quick kiss and lets him go, reaching down to pick up his bag. He takes Philip’s hand and threads their fingers together. “No checked bag, right?”

“Nope,” Philip says, clearing his throat, and Lukas can’t stop looking at him. He’s the cutest thing—his hair is growing out a little bit again and it curls over his forehead in a way that makes Lukas want to reach out and touch it. Then again, Lukas always wants to touch him.

Philip looks up and smiles a little bit under his attention. “You think I can get a bagel or something real quick?” he asks. “Had peanuts on the plane but that’s it.”

“Of course,” Lukas says, briefly thinking of the food that’s coming to their room, but he knows Philip will still be hungry. He tugs him in as they start walking towards the breakfast cart, kissing Philip’s forehead. “Mmm, the world is right again. “

Philip hums a little bit, squeezing his hand.

~

Philip slides over right next to him in the uber and wraps his arms around Lukas’s middle, burying his face in his neck. Lukas squeezes his shoulder and kisses him a couple times, can feel the tension all over him. He thought Philip would be happier and carefree once he got here, and he hopes he falls into a better frame of mind once they’re alone.

“So I got you the best seat in the house for tomorrow,” Lukas says, kissing his forehead. He tries hard not to think about the underwear he’s wearing.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be hanging with this other guy’s girlfriend,” Lukas says. “She’s visiting too.”

“Oh cool,” Philip says, not looking up at him.

Lukas shifts his mouth to the side and kisses Philip’s forehead again.

~

They’re quiet as they walk up to the hotel room, but Lukas is starting to get excited. He made sure he got a particularly good room here, upgrade and everything, and room service had texted him while he was in the uber to let him know they’d delivered his order. He grins at Philip as he puts the key into the door, getting a small smile in return, and he quickly flips on the light when they step inside.

“Tried to do it up nice for you,” Lukas says, briefly reaching down and adjusting himself when he’s behind Philip, then he closes and locks the door. He watches as Philip’s eyes find the room service cart with the champagne bottle, the strawberries and the whipped cream. Then he peeks into the bedroom, taking in the rose petals on the bed and the big box of Cheez-It’s on the bedside table. 

Philip turns around and there are tears in his eyes. For a second Lukas thinks he got the reaction that he wanted, but then Philip steps forward and takes his face in his hands. “I have to tell you something.”

It’s the last thing Lukas expected to hear and his brows furrow immediately. “What is it?” he asks.

Philip drags his thumbs along Lukas’s cheekbones for a few seconds before letting his hands slide down to brace against Lukas’s chest, and Lukas feels more and more panicky with every passing second. 

“Uh,” Philip says, swallowing hard. “On Monday…I was coming back to the apartment after the bridal shower job and that….shithead was standing in the hallway.”

Lukas immediately goes tense, his face falling.

Philip’s eyes are glassy and he shakes his head the way he does when he’s nervous. “He was uh…drunk as fuck, clearly. Said that he was moving out, I said good, and then he said something about you being gone. That he noticed you were gone.”

Lukas feels like he’s gonna be fucking sick. His arms are hanging limp at his sides and he reaches up, putting his hands on Philip’s hips. He doesn’t know what’s coming but he knows it’s gonna be bad. 

Philip moves a little closer. “I didn’t wanna deal with it, of course, because we never wanna deal with his ass, so I tried to push past him, but he, uh—he slammed me against the wall—”

Lukas’s whole body twitches, the words hitting him hard, and he grips Philip tight. He pictures it and it’s horrifying. He can’t move.

“And he, uh—he kissed me.”

“What?” Lukas blurts out, and he doesn’t sound like himself. “He what?” There are sirens going off in his head and his eyes fix on Philip’s mouth. A chill runs down his spine and goosebumps crop up everywhere. 

“It wasn’t even like a real kiss,” Philip says, wetting his lips and tonguing a little spot Lukas hadn’t noticed before but is really noticing now. “Some fucked up kind of power play. He did it really hard, and he bit my lip and tried to shove his tongue in my mouth.”

Lukas closes his eyes and dips his head down because he feels fucking dizzy. Philip reaches up to grip the back of his neck, his fingers combing through the fine hair there. They’ve talked a bunch of times since Monday. Over and over and over again since Monday. Philip has been holding this in since fucking Monday.

“So I pushed him back,” Philip says, his voice a little pinched with oncoming tears. “And Helen heard it and she came out, and the asshole said that he knew I ‘liked it’, and tried to come at me again. I gave him the shittiest punch ever but it was still good enough to knock him back, then Helen put him in an arm-lock and threw him to the ground and Gabe called the cops.”

“The cops,” Lukas breathes, one lone tear racing down his cheek and more building behind it. “The cops were…you talked to them? In our apartment?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, still caressing Lukas’s neck. “I’m pressing charges, Helen’s gonna help me deal with it. His name is Trent Dour, which is somehow incredibly fucking fitting and worse than we could have imagined.”

Lukas breathes in. He breathes out. “You didn’t tell me this.” It’s incredibly obvious and it was purposeful but he feels like he’s gonna pass the fuck out. 

“I couldn’t tell you this,” Philip says, and he tips Lukas’s face back up so he’s looking at him. “Imagine hearing this from me on the phone. Miles and miles away when you couldn’t touch me. Feel how tight you’re holding me now?”

He hadn’t really realized it, but they’re pressed together, Lukas’s arms closed around Philip, his hands gripping his lower back. He’s holding him like he’s trying to protect him from the past, like he can change it if he holds him tight enough.

“I know you’re freaking out now, but if I had told you on the phone you would have flipped because you wouldn’t have been able to do anything. You wouldn’t have been able to focus on that race, the trip here would have been a fucking travesty. It would have driven you crazy and I couldn’t…I couldn’t do that to you.”

That’s when Lukas feels like he short circuits.

Philip, his Philip, the love of his fucking life, was goddamn assaulted. By a bigoted homophobic racist asshole who they hate, and Lukas wasn’t there. Philip had to deal with that and the cops and probably a shit ton of flashbacks and he was thinking of Lukas. He kept it all to himself because he knew how Lukas would react if he heard and they were separated. He dealt with it without him, on purpose, because Lukas is a dramatic fucking asshole who would have made the whole fucking thing about himself. 

“Philip,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Are you alright?”

“It’s okay,” Philip says, and he’s smiling and crying and he’s so full of light, so gorgeous and kind and wonderful and whenever Lukas thinks about that fucker’s mouth on his Philip he wants to scream. If he had been there, he probably would have killed him. “I’m okay,” Philip says.

“Are you sure?” Lukas pleads.

Philip nods, his lips pressed together. “Are you?”

Lukas lets out a wavering breath. “No, I’m—God, I’m thinking about you having to keep this from me because you were—thinking about how it would have affected _me_ when _you’re_ the one that’s hurt. Like…that’s fucked up, baby, that’s on me.”

“Lukas,” Philip says, stepping even closer and pressing their foreheads together.

The stupid underwear are riding up and the stress is creating tight pinpricks all over Lukas’s body and he can’t think straight. He shakes his head. “That’s not okay, baby,” he says. “That you can’t tell me something like this…something as important as this because I can’t keep my fucking selfishness in check.”

“You’re not selfish,” Philip says, cupping his cheek. 

“I am, and like…if you had told me, I woulda lost my mind, just like you said—and that’s not my fucking right here, it’s—it’s about you.”

“Lukas,” Philip says again, and Lukas blows out a breath.

“No, this is—this fucking sucks, I’m so sorry. Never again, okay? Never—don’t put my feelings above yours when you need me, okay? Please. I know that’s you, I know you’re selfless and wonderful but Jesus—something like this…you come first.”

Philip purses his lips and nods, his throat bobbing.

Lukas is panicking and he tries to get his thoughts straight. He’s angry and upset and losing his damn mind but he needs to focus on Philip. He rubs his hands up and down his back. “Baby, for real, are you okay?” he whispers. “Fuck, I knew—I knew all week you were off, I could tell.”

“I was trying not to be,” Philip says. “I feel better now that I told you.”

Lukas reaches around and touches Philip’s lip. “Did it hurt?” he asks, softly. 

“Yeah,” Philip says. “But it’s fine. I’m fine, I swear. Pressing charges is gonna suck—”

“I’ll be with you,” Lukas says, fast. “The whole time.”

“I know,” Philip says, smiling a little bit.

Lukas is panicking. He wonders if he’s touching him too much. He’s heard about people not wanting to even look at their partner after things like this, and he doesn’t know how to ask. “Do you wanna—do you wanna talk about it?”

“I mean, I told you all of it,” Philip says, leaning back a little bit so he can look into Lukas’s eyes. “Helen was a badass, which is always nice to see in action. The asshole actually moved out so he’s gone.”

“Good,” Lukas says. He wants to fucking kill the motherfucker. He wants to pound his face into goddamn pulp. He wants to make it so he’ll never pull something like this with anybody else again. He can’t think about him too hard or his rage starts to flare up, and he knows Philip doesn’t need that right now.

Lukas’s heart is aching, and he sorta hates himself for adding to Philip’s pain over this whole thing. He doesn’t know what to say about it except that he’s an asshole, a gigantic asshole, and he doesn’t deserve Philip. But Philip wouldn’t want to hear that either. “Come here,” he whispers. 

Philip wraps his arms around Lukas’s neck and sighs as Lukas holds him close. “Let’s just watch TV for a little bit,” he whispers. “Then we can break into those strawberries and the champagne.”

Lukas makes a little aborted humming noise, because his mind keeps yelling PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES and there are also flashes of that fucker kissing his goddamn boyfriend playing over and over again in technicolor, and he has no idea what it looked like so of course he’s imagining the most traumatizing fucking versions he can come up with. He sighs, trying not to think about it. There’s no damn way he can go change his clothes without it being weird so he kisses Philip’s cheek and accepts his fate. “Yeah, good idea,” he says, desperate to do everything Philip wants so he feels better, feels comfortable.

Philip pulls back, looking at him with such love and devotion that Lukas is knocked out in the face of it. “I’m so glad I’m here, babe. It was torture, honestly, I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna leave on Monday.”

“Don’t,” Lukas says, kissing the corner of his mouth. “Just stay with me forever.”

“Oh, I will,” Philip says, smiling radiantly. “By the way, you’re the cutest person in the world for this setup. I love you.”

“Only the best for my baby,” Lukas says, cupping Philip’s face in his hands and kissing him as softly as he can. He deserves to be touched tenderly by the person he loves, and nothing less. 

~

They watch The Great British Bakeoff on the couch for a while, Philip cuddled up close against Lukas’s side. They talk a little bit, mostly about food, and Lukas tries not to shift too much. He feels like he’s getting turned on purely because Philip is so goddamn close and the very idea that he’s still wearing these goddamn underwear. He’s in a war in his own head—he wants him, so bad it feels like the world is on fire with it, but he keeps thinking about that prick. Trent. What a goddamn stupidass name. And then his own self, so well-known for making shit about him that the love of his life had to keep something as important as this to himself.

Lukas holds Philip tighter, pressing a long kiss to his forehead. If Philip wants to sit here and watch TV for the rest of the trip, then that’s what they’re gonna do.

Philip turns towards Lukas on a commercial, nuzzling his neck. It feels so good that Lukas lets out a little shuddery sigh, rubbing his shoulder. 

“I miss your cooking,” Philip whispers, kissing Lukas’s neck, and Lukas tips his head back to give him better access. “I’ve been eating like shit.”

“’m gonna make you something nice on Sunday night,” Lukas whispers, closing his eyes. “Why I paid for a suite…could have a kitchen….”

“So sweet,” Philip says, sucking on the hinge of his jaw. “I missed you. I missed you so bad.”

Lukas turns his face so he can catch Philip’s mouth in a kiss, reaching up to cup his cheek. His skin is so soft, the path familiar as Lukas tangles his hand in Philip’s hair. He slips his tongue into his mouth to taste him, sucking on his bottom lip as Philip climbs into his lap. They keep kissing and Philip’s hands are busy, sliding down Lukas’s chest, undoing the button and zipper of his jeans. Lukas makes a little noise because this isn’t how he planned to reveal these fucking panties—he planned on trying to do a little striptease, make Philip wait for it, but circumstances are different now. Philip stuffs his hand inside Lukas’s jeans, past his boxers, and Lukas hears him gasp, pulling back. 

“Lukas,” Philip stutters.

Lukas swallows hard. “Yes?”

“Oh my God,” Philip whispers, a cute little smile tugging at his mouth. He fingers the lace and Lukas sucks in a breath, his eyes fluttering closed. “Is this real life?” Philip asks.

“I think so,” Lukas says, but he’s not even sure anymore.

“You did this for me?” Philip says, resting his forehead against Lukas’s temple. “These are for me?”

“There’ll never be anybody else,” Lukas says, feeling Philip’s hand travel deeper into his pants, lower. He gives Lukas a squeeze through the lace and Lukas feels it goddamn everywhere, like he’s been electrocuted.

“Holy fuck, Lukas,” Philip breathes, moving his hand back and forth over Lukas’s cock. “Oh my God.”

Lukas has been thinking about this moment since he bought the damn underwear but now he doesn’t know how the fuck to proceed, one arm still braced on the back of the couch like this is the most casual thing in the world. His breath is catching like he’s never kissed anybody before even though he’s shared thousands of kisses with Philip and will share thousands more. His cheeks are burning and his mouth drops open as Philip presses kisses along his cheek.

“I can’t believe we were sitting here watching British people cook for forty minutes and you were—and you—”

“They were baking, Philip, there’s a difference—” Lukas laughs, and then he stops when Philip thumbs over the head of his cock, dragging the lace over it. He nearly fucking drools.

“Lukas,” Philip breathes. “You’re killing me—”

“I’m just sitting here,” Lukas says, swallowing hard, and his grip on Philip’s hip is so light that it might as well not even be there.

Philip pulls his hand out of Lukas’s pants then, sliding out of his lap and to his feet. He just hovers there for a second, a small smile on his face, and then Lukas gets up too. He’s shaking, nervousness and excitement running through him, and he stops when he’s eye to eye with Philip. They’re both grinning, laughing a little bit, and Lukas takes his shirt off fast as he can, casting it aside. 

Philip slides his hands around Lukas’s waist, breathing hard through his mouth. “Can I?” he asks, thumbs brushing the top of Lukas’s jeans.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, the word coming out in a rush of breath. 

Lukas’s jeans are still open and Philip slowly pushes them down, so Lukas is just in his boxers. His heart is going wild, his whole face and ears are burning, and Philip places delicate hands on the boxers, pushing them down too. Lukas steps out of his pants and his boxers, taking Philip’s hands and drawing him to the side.

Philip stares down at him, his eyes wide. Lukas doesn’t wanna look down, he saw enough of it in the mirror this morning, so he focuses on Philip’s face. Philip’s eyes are wide, dilated, his lips parted. He licks them, his gaze never wavering, and Lukas blushes harder. He probably looks like he’s got sunburn.

“You’re killing _me_ ,” Lukas says, laughing again.

“I’m sorry,” Philip says. “I’m just—taking it all in, gimme a second—”

Lukas snorts and Philip lets go of his hands, walking around his body, smoothing his fingers along the top of the panties. 

“The back, Lukas,” Philip says, touching his ass. “Oh my God.”

“I hope this is all like, good,” Lukas says, closing his eyes and feeling his chest flush too. “Like. Good _oh my gods_ and not making fun of me _oh my gods_.”

“No, no, these—this is—this is good.” Philip touches his ass again, fingers roaming over the small strip of material, squeezing his cheek.

“Was this like, something you ever thought of?” Lukas asks, as Philip finishes circling him. He’s standing in front of him again and keeps rubbing Lukas’s hips, taking the elastic and letting it snap against Lukas’s skin. Lukas shudders, goosebumps cropping up everywhere, but in a good way this time. He feels himself getting hard, and the panties strain.

“Nope,” Philip says. “But I’m thinking of it now. How—why did you think of it?”

“Was in the mall getting—” _no no no idiot, holy fuck don’t just blurt it out_ , “getting takeout and I saw them in the window and it was like…I wanted to do something special for you. Something different, something you, uh...might like.”

Philip presses into him then, and cups his face in his hands. “Oh, I like it, babe.” He brings their mouths together and it isn’t a soft kiss, not in the slightest. It’s dirty, deep, his tongue thrusting into Lukas’s mouth, chasing the taste of him. Lukas didn’t know what he meant to accomplish with this after the initial reveal but Philip is happy so he’s happy, wrapping his arms around Philip’s middle and holding him tight. If he was in this situation with anyone else he’d be terrified, cowering, trying to cover up. But it turns him on to be like this with Philip, in Philip’s arms, with Philip kissing him like this. He feels his whole body react to it, melting into Philip’s embrace.

They kiss like they don’t need to breathe, all the pent-up tension pouring out of them as they clutch and pull at each other. They nearly trip over the couch as they try to maneuver around it, and Philip reaches down, palming Lukas’s cock through the underwear. Lukas breaks the kiss, hissing.

“You look good in red,” Philip whispers. “And lace. This lace, Lukas—”

“Bed,” Lukas whispers, pressing into him so Philip can feel how hard he is. “You’re wearing too many clothes.”

“You’re right,” Philip says, kissing the bridge of Lukas’s nose as he pushes him into the bedroom. Philip pulls off his shirt and drops it down, huddling against Lukas until Lukas sits back on the edge of the bed, some of the rose petals tumbling down towards him. Philip immediately drops to his knees and Lukas moans just seeing it, his hands clutching at Philip’s shoulders.

“Oh fuck,” Lukas whispers. 

“Oh fuck is right,” Philip says, and he drags his lips along Lukas’s cock through the underwear, kissing along his length and breathing hot there. Lukas sees stars and sways, hot and cold at the same fucking time, tangling one hand in Philip’s hair. The panties are wet now and it’s fucking obscene, his own precome and Philip’s spit, the lace clinging to his cock. Philip twists the material at Lukas’s hips with his deft fingers.

Lukas can’t take it. “Okay, get—up here, get up here—” He grabs Philip under his arms and hauls him up, the two of them climbing onto the bed towards the pillows, rose petals going everywhere, soft and velvet. Lukas is shaky, his heart pounding against his ribcage, his vision narrowed down to Philip, only Philip. Lukas gets on top of him and Philip yanks his own pants down, barely getting them off his ankles before Lukas is flattening himself against him. Philip is wearing those little black boxer-briefs that Lukas likes so much and fuck, Lukas missed this. Philip’s perfect body, the lovely noises he makes when they’re together. Philip reaches around and grabs Lukas’s ass, pulling at the material of the panties so they’re tighter than they already were. They strain harder, sending sparks of pleasure through his body.

“Philip,” Lukas groans, thrusting down against him, fast and wild.

“You’re so sexy, Lukas,” Philip breathes, and the tightness of the underwear is nearly fucking overwhelming him. “Doing this for me.” He catches Lukas’s mouth in a kiss. “Looking so fucking sexy and perfect for me.”

“You like it?” Lukas gasps, his brows knitting together.

“Do I—do I—Lukas—” Philip scoffs, groaning, tightening his hold on him.

Lukas rests his forehead against Philip’s and moans, their cocks sliding together through the thin material between them. “Philip, ah—fuck, Philip—”

“You close, baby?” Philip asks, nipping at Lukas’s ear. “You’re gonna ruin your underwear—”

Lukas laughs a little bit, breathless, and likes to think of them ruined, a relic of his and Philip’s love, the built-up months apart, tension released. 

“Come for me, Lukas,” Philip whispers, squeezing his ass again.

Lukas sucks in a few hitched breaths, mouthing at Philip’s cheek. “Philip—baby—”

“Wanna feel you come,” Philip says, dragging Lukas’s hips down.

Lukas feels the underwear snap just as his orgasm overtakes him, his hips stuttering, Philip arching up to meet him. Philip rubs against him a couple more times before he spills too, making little desperate, broken noises before he collapses down onto the bed.

Lukas breathes hard, his face buried in the curve of Philip’s neck. He feels better than he has since he left home, more relaxed and safe and calm and happy. 

“I tore them,” Philip says, hands tracing up and down Lukas’s back.

“I know,” Lukas says. “I felt it.”

“Were they expensive?”

Lukas snorts. “Worth every penny and more.” He can feel them now, a useless limp piece of material only barely hanging on to his frame.

Philip kisses his cheek. “I can’t believe you did this for me.”

“Believe it, baby,” Lukas says, sitting up a little bit so he can look him in the eye. “I missed you so bad my head was going haywire.”

Philip smiles softly at him, eyes roaming over his face. “I’m so happy I’m with you. I’ve felt like such shit the past week and now it’s just like…things are right again.”

Lukas kisses him, tenderly and slow, about six times in a row. He runs the backs of his knuckles over Philip’s cheek, reveling in him and his beauty. 

~

They get the strawberries, whipped cream and champagne out and throw the destroyed panties into the washer that Lukas was lucky enough to get with this suite. They eat and drink naked in bed, get a little drunk and make out for a while, and then Philip’s lack of sleep catches up with him and he dozes off.

Lukas stares at him under the pale glow of the hotel lighting, his long lashes fanning over his cheek, his mouth slightly open. Lukas watches his chest rise and fall and finds a few tears catching in his own eyes. He wipes them away fast and tries to brush it off, blame it on the champagne, but he knows he doesn’t have to be drunk to get emotional about Philip, and this is a special occasion. One, they just had amazing sex. Two, they’re back together after what felt like eons apart. Three, Lukas always thinks it’s cute when Philip falls asleep in the middle of the day. And four, Philip was fucking assaulted. Philip was hurt and had to sit on the secret of it for nearly a week because he knew Lukas would freak out and shut down. 

It still bothers him. He doesn’t know how to fix it. Well, he knows he can’t fix this one, and he doesn’t want it to ever happen again. But if it does, Lukas wants Philip to tell him, and he wants to be a strong enough human being that he can curb his reaction in order to take care of the person he loves.

And goddamnit, he loves Philip. He loves him so much it hurts, like a raging fire in his chest, like the only truly familiar thing in his life, the one thing that keeps him anchored, keeps him safe, makes him feel like himself. Makes him feel loved, appreciated, important. Philip can look at him and all of Lukas’s problems will feel insignificant. All the riches in the world seem insignificant next to Philip. Philip is the ultimate, the only, the all time, and every day Lukas is grateful for him. 

He leans in and presses a soft kiss to Philip’s cheek, brushing his hair back. Philip makes the smallest noise and scoots closer to him, sending a jolt of warmth through Lukas’s heart.

He grabs his phone off the bedside table and turns it on silent so Philip won’t hear the typing.

He opens up a new message to Nathan.

_Hey. He told me everything. I need your help._ And he sends it. He kisses Philip’s shoulder, nuzzling his nose there softly, pretty fucking ecstatic about having him in his bed. His phone buzzes and he looks down at it. 

_I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help, it still bothers me a lot. I’m up for anything to help you, man, anything you need I am there._

Lukas nods to himself and composes a reply. _I need you to help me find out where this guy works. His name is Trent Dour, if Philip didn’t tell you. We gotta find out where he is._ He sends it, his heart in his throat, but he’s absolutely sure of what he’s planning. 

His phone buzzes. _I’m on it._

~

They’re lazy the rest of the day, looking around Chicago a little bit and ordering a deep dish pizza in to the hotel for dinner, and Lukas’s favorite lemon cake for dessert. They attempt to keep the crumbs to a minimum, but don’t exactly achieve their goal. Philip likes it just as much as Lukas does, and Lukas kisses a smile onto his face, tasting the lemony goodness there.

Lukas places first in the race the next day, and Philip makes friends with Patrick’s girlfriend Erica, enough so that Lukas wonders if he actually watched the race. But Philip beams when he looks at him in his gear, hanging onto his arm once they meet back up like he couldn’t be more proud of who Lukas is, of what he does. It’s an amazing feeling.

A female reporter from Racer X asks him a couple questions about the race, how his times have compared from race to race, what kind of gear is his favorite, if he has a least favorite track. And then she looks at Philip like she’s just noticing he’s standing there.

“Is this your brother?” she asks, smiling wide.

Lukas looks down at him, laughing a little bit. Philip makes a face like he’s telling him to lie, like he’s saying it’s okay to call him anything other than what he really is. And past Lukas would have taken that out within a second, without even thinking. 

“No,” Lukas says. “No, this is my boyfriend, Philip.”

She recoils but not in a bad way, more like surprise, because she smiles, her eyebrows high on her head. “Well that’s wonderful,” she says, grinning. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, looking down at him again. “It is.”

~

They go out with some of the guys that night and even though Lukas is a little on edge about it, everyone is really nice to Philip, though he winds up talking more with Erica about her graphic design aspirations than he does any of the other racers. But everyone includes him in, makes him feel welcome, and Lukas silently thanks God he’s competing against a good group of people.

Lukas drags Philip into a back hallway by the bathrooms about halfway through dinner and pulls him in by his waist, crashing their mouths together. Philip winds his arms around Lukas’s neck and makes a tiny noise, pulling back and laughing.

“What do you want?” Philip asks, that small smile on his face.

Lukas shrugs. “Well, you, mostly,” he says, leaning in to kiss Philip’s neck.

“We’re in public,” Philip says, but he still tilts his head back so Lukas can kiss up higher. “And we’re not on a plane so don’t say you’re trying to act out a fantasy.”

Lukas laughs, pulling back to look at him. “I just…I’m just so happy you’re here.”

Philip beams, caressing the back of Lukas’s neck. “Me too.”

~

They have sex that night and it’s Lukas’s favorite kind of sex. Where they roll around, laughing and kissing and gasping into each other’s mouths, palming at ass cheeks and hitching legs around hips and smiling until their faces hurt. He loves it when they’re like this, no seriousness, just happiness and pleasure, rocking each other home and whispering funny, stupid little things into each other’s ears. Philip comes with a laugh and a sob, a smile on his face as Lukas kisses the little line between his eyes.

He’s so beautiful, so golden that Lukas is tempted to just grab the ring out of his bag and propose. While they’re both naked, covered in sweat and each other’s come in a hotel bed in the middle of Chicago. He knows it isn’t ideal, isn’t what he’s planned, but Philip so looks amazing like this, all sated and debauched, his chest heaving. Lukas has to physically restrain himself from proposing, but fuck, does he come close.

Lukas slides his hand up over Philip’s throat, pressing lightly against his fluttering pulse. “Hey,” he whispers. 

Philip’s eyes flick up to meet his, smoothing his hand up Lukas’s arm, twining his fingers around his wrist. Like he’s seeking out Lukas’s pulse, too. “Hey,” he says.

Lukas leans in, pressing a kiss close to Philip’s ear. “You ate all the Cheez-Its,” he whispers.

Philip giggles, clutching at Lukas’s wrist. “Of course I did. They were a precious gift.”

“If they were precious you should have saved them,” Lukas says, licking along the shell of his ear. 

Philip squirms a little bit, laughing again. “That isn’t how food works, Lukas.”

“I’ll have to buy you another box,” Lukas says, planting a kiss on Philip’s mouth.

“Good,” Philip says, grinning, and Lukas kisses him again.

“Or three,” Lukas says.

“Eight,” Philip says. “I need eight boxes.”

“You are so difficult,” Lukas says, running his hand up and down Philip’s chest. 

“But you love me,” Philip says, sliding his hand around and pressing into the dimples on Lukas’s lower back.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, kissing him again. “Yeah, I really do.”

~

Lukas knows today is the last real day even though they’ll have a couple hours together tomorrow, and that familiar sadness starts to seep in, threatening to paralyze him. He knows tomorrow he’s gonna have to take Philip to the airport, he’s gonna have to let him go for over two weeks before he gets home. And he’s gonna miss Philip’s goddamn birthday, which still doesn’t sit right with him, especially considering what happened with King fucking Prick. He wants to fix it, maybe try to get a standby flight or cancel his and hitch a ride earlier in the day or something. _Something_ so he can be there for at least an hour on Philip’s birthday.

He’s making dinner and thinking about it after a day of more heavily exploring Chicago. He stirs his vodka sauce and stares at the wooden spoon, half mesmerized.

“Where you going?” Philip asks, close behind him.

“Nowhere,” Lukas says, looking to the side and catching sight of Philip kissing his shoulder. “You think I’d go somewhere when you’re anywhere near me? You’re crazy, babe.”

“I know where your mind can take you,” Philip says, kissing his shoulder again. “I’ve been there too.”

And Lukas knows, has held Philip after the nightmares, after the flashes when they see someone dressed like Kane would dress. They’ve both crossed over into that world where pain is normal and everything is scary. But they’re such a unit now, united in everything they do, that their partnership has risen above any of the uncertainty. They know they’re safe when they’re together.

But this upcoming second separation bullshit is messing with Lukas’s head.

He knows he’s all over the place, worry like a bridge drawing him from place to place, his soul simmering on islands of pain and distress. He doesn’t want to ruin his last day with Philip, what’s left of it. They’ve been happy, Philip’s mind has been off the shit he went through. Today has been good—buying some new clothes in the city, an interesting lunch in that diner and that weird fight they watched on the bus. Philip has been laughing so much. Lukas can’t ruin that. He needs to chill the fuck out.

“Making the ravioli, huh?” Philip asks, tentatively, running his hands up and down Lukas’s arms. “World famous.”

“It should be,” Lukas says, holding his chin high and continuing to stir the sauce.

“You’re too good to me,” Philip says.

And Lukas knows he could never be too good. That he could work himself to the bone for the rest of his life and never be good enough for Philip. But he only smiles softly, looking over his shoulder again, trying to catch a good glimpse of him.

“Whoever would have thought I’d be the one who could cook?” Lukas says, trying to go for a light tone. 

“Not me,” Philip says.

Lukas laughs, reaching back and pinching Philip’s waist, making him laugh and squirm.

~

Lukas rubs his foot along Philip’s leg under the table as they eat, and he’s pretty damn proud of his ravioli. He keeps going back and forth in his head about whether he wants to cook for Philip on the day he proposes or if he wants to go out, but he figures things will work better timewise if they go to one of the restaurants he made reservations for. And he made seven, like a lunatic, but he knows he’ll be surer on the day. 

“You like it?” he asks.

“It’s amazing,” Philip says, his mouth full. “You need to have a cooking show.”

Lukas snorts, tapping his fork on the side of his plate. “Yeah right.”

“Cooking with Lukas,” Philip says, grinning and staring at him. “With special guest star Izzy. And sometimes he wears pretty lace panties while he’s cooking—”

Lukas grits his teeth, reaching out and grabbing Philip’s knee, making him shoot forward and burst into hysterics. “You liked it,” Lukas says.

“Yeah,” Philip says, laughing and grabbing Lukas’s arm. “You blew my mind with that.” Lukas stops trying to tickle him and they just stare at each other for a second, an easy smile hanging on Philip’s beautiful lips. 

Lukas takes his hand and squeezes it, scooting a little closer to him. “I don’t wanna do this again,” he says, his mind rushing in ten different directions.

“What?” Philip asks. “Make ravioli?”

“No,” Lukas says, smiling a little bit and dipping his head down. He brings his chair even closer so their knees are touching. “Be apart.”

Philip looks at him, smoothing his thumb back and forth across Lukas’s wrist. 

“I mean, fine. You’ll go to class without me, take jobs, go to the bathroom—”

Philip laughs, grinning.

“But like, seriously—once we’ve graduated, I wanna—if you want—” He sucks in a breath, trying to center himself. He starts again. “I don’t want to be without you. If I travel I want you to come with me. If you travel I wanna tag along. I don’t care if it sounds dependent or creepy or whatever—”

“Lukas,” Philip says, still holding Lukas’s hand and putting the other on his knee. “You know I want the same thing, I mean—this has been hell. It really drove home the fact that my days aren’t right if you’re not with me.”

Lukas is tearing up and he leans in, pressing a long kiss to Philip’s mouth. “I just love you so much, baby—”

“I love you too, Lukas,” Philip says, nuzzling his cheek. “I want you with me all the time—”

“All the damn time—”

“Even in the bathroom—”

They both laugh, crumpling against each other. Lukas thinks about telling him that they have plans when he gets home, but he decides to wait. He’s afraid he’ll spill it all if he does it right now.

“Plus,” Philip says, kissing the spot below Lukas’s ear, “I eat better when I’m with you.”

Lukas grins.

~

He barely sleeps that night, just watching Philip sleep, soothing him through a few suspect dreams before he settles down again. Lukas will be back on his way a few hours after Philip’s flight leaves, and he’s glad he won’t have to sleep here again without Philip.

When they wake up they pack up Philip’s things solemnly, take a few pictures here and there that Philip uploads and sends to their parents and Angela. They’re quiet in the uber, enjoying the driver’s song choices and sitting back in each other’s arms. 

When they get to the gate at the airport Lukas clears his throat, trying to be chill. 

“Two weeks,” Philip says, meeting Lukas’s eyes and clearly trying to keep him calm.

“A few days over two weeks,” Lukas says, with a sigh. But he doesn’t say anything else negative, because he needs to stop fucking being like that. Philip needs to come first, always, forever. Lukas doesn’t think about what happened, but he knows as soon as he’s alone again that it’s gonna sneak back into his head. He needs to talk to Nathan.

“We should do a celebratory ride around the city when you get back,” Philip says, playing with Lukas’s fingers. “I can’t wait to be behind you on the bike again.”

“That sounds good,” Lukas says, smiling down at him. His heart is racing and he tries to keep his voice level, normal. “When I get back I wanna do something nice. Like, for your birthday and for us being back together.”

A small smile appears on Philip’s face, his eyes bright. “Yeah?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, swallowing hard and nodding. He wonders if Philip can feel his rapid heartbeat.

“A surprise?” Philip asks, and he looks like he’s breathing a little harder. “Or do I like, get to know what we’re doing?”

Lukas is semi-panicking and he knows Philip can read him in every possible damn situation, so he hopes he’s just coming off as nervous and jumpy because Philip is leaving. “Surprise,” he says, smiling, and he hopes it’s a bigger surprise than Philip might imagine.

Philip looks at him like he knows something, every part of him glowing and buzzing with anticipation. Lukas wonders if he’s given himself away somehow.

“What day do you wanna do this?” Philip asks.

“Probably like weekend,” Lukas says, knowing full well it’s all gonna go down on May 15th, that Saturday. 

“Okay,” Philip says. “I’m looking forward to it.” He sounds very diplomatic, and he chews on his lower lip, trying to bite down his smile.

“Me…me too,” Lukas says, clearing his throat. 

Philip steps in close, wrapping his arms around Lukas’s neck and pressing himself against him. “No long goodbyes, they only make it suck more.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, his chest going tight. He kisses Philip’s cheek three times in a row. “I love you forever, babe.”

“I love you too,” Philip says. “I had such a good time.”

“Me too,” Lukas says. “It was perfect.”

“I’m gonna text you the whole flight,” Philip says, and Lukas can hear the tears in his voice. They had such a great couple days, and that makes it all the harder to split up again. They’re both trying to avoid a scene, both trying to tell themselves it won’t be that long, it’ll go by fast. That fucker is gone, out of their building for good. Nathan is on the lookout. Philip is safe.

But it still fucking hurts.

“Good,” Lukas says. “Tell me everything. Tell me if you eat those weird popcorn chips again.”

“You know I will,” Philip says.

They pull back and come together in a kiss, soft and purposeful, Lukas sneaking his hand under Philip’s shirt at the small of his back.

“Tell Izzy I miss her,” Lukas says, against Philip’s lips. He presses the bridge of his nose against Philip’s temple, closing his eyes. “And I already miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby,” Philip says, running his hands up and down Lukas’s arms. “Just over two weeks.”

“Just over two weeks,” Lukas repeats, still holding him close, loath to let him go again, even though he knows he has to.

He decides right there and then. He’s gonna make it home on Philip’s birthday, no matter what he has to do.


	7. Chapter 7

It’s Philip’s Birthday.

He sits in front of his computer and watches Lukas race. He’s in the lead again, trading off with a new guy that Philip doesn’t know. But Philip sits there in an eager sort of peacefulness, because optimism is flowing through him. He feels good, light, happy—Lukas is gonna be home tomorrow. For good. No few days visit, no goodbyes. Back together, in their home, and things back to normal. Their proper every day instead of all this distance.

And this weekend. This weekend.

Philip bites his lip and tries not to get too excited. He feels like he might have given himself away at the airport, and he hopes Lukas isn’t too upset when he finds out how much Philip knew about the whole plan. But he can imagine the moment, can almost feel the happiness. He knows nothing else is gonna matter. 

He reaches down, scratching around Izzy’s ears, and she rests her chin on his knee. He leans forward and watches Lukas continue on his lap—he’s got on red gear from the new sponsor he took on, and it reminds Philip a lot of the lacy surprise he got back in Chicago. He smiles to himself—he still can’t fucking believe it. A chill runs down his spine just thinking about it, and he imagines all these people watching Lukas—none of them know how sexy he can be, none of them will ever get to see him as intimately as Philip has. He knows how close they’ve gotten, their lives so woven together that one can feel it when the other pricks his finger, but somehow Lukas still manages to surprise him in all the best ways. 

Philip’s eyes follow him as he rides. He seems so focused, so sure of all his moves and his whips and his jumps, and Philip thinks back to the first time he watched him ride. He hadn’t really cared much for motocross, didn’t really know anything about it, just used it as a good way into Lukas’s life, like he later learned Lukas did expressing an interest in photography. But Philip loves watching him now, how he manages to somehow look elegant in what’s really a rough sort of sport. And Philip thinks how different things are from then to now, Lukas’s worry and pain and fear gone, his off limits rules thrown out long ago. There’s nothing off limits now, and Lukas holds Philip’s hand proudly no matter whose company they’re in.

Philip talks to his mom in his head all the time. _I found it, mom. I found the love you always wanted for me. I’ve got one that treats me right._

“Come on, baby,” Philip mutters, watching Lukas hurdle towards the finish line on the last lap. “Come on, Lukas, you’ve got this.”

Lukas weaves around the new guy and pulls out ahead of him. Philip’s heart rattles in his chest and his eyes get wider and wider as he clutches his hands in his lap, Izzy licking at his fingers. Then Lukas does it, like it’s nothing, like it’s the easiest thing he’s ever accomplished. He glides over the finish line. Another win. The last win in the lineup. Philip sits back, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt, and he covers his mouth with his hands, watching Lukas celebrate. He always searches around for the cameras because he knows Philip’s watching and Philip grins, reaching out and touching the screen.

He’ll be home tomorrow. 

Philip sits back, smiling to himself as he watches Lukas celebrate. He knows Helen and Gabe will be calling soon to facetime him for his birthday, but he’s content to watch Lukas while he waits. 

_Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow._

~

Philip happily sips his second whiskey sour and grins at Angela when she shakes her head at him. Nathan clicks his tongue and laughs, dipping another chip in their guacamole.

“Just tell me when you want to stop and I’ll start paying for them,” Philip says, his head already swimming. But he feels good. Really good. Anticipation races through his veins. 

“Nope, it’s your birthday,” Nathan says. “Lukas said we had to treat you right and that’s what we’re gonna do. And Simone gave me that gift card specifically for your birthday drinks so, we’re good.”

Philip hums to himself, grinning at both of them. He watches Angela look down at her phone and clear her throat. “What?” Philip asks, a little too loud. 

“Nothing,” she says, sharing a quick look with Nathan. “You still want the King Fish?”

It reminds him of King Prick but he’s been calling that asshole Dour more and more in his head, so he won’t let him ruin his favorite meal here. “Yeah,” he says. “What are you guys getting?”

“Probably noodles again because I don’t ever get anything different,” Nathan says, laughing. 

“Same,” Angela says. “We should order the beef summer rolls in Lukas’s honor.”

Philip grins, downing the rest of his drink. “Yes,” he says. “Yes…I can even take some to go and he’ll have them tomorrow.”

Both Angela and Nathan grin, nodding at him. 

“Right,” Nathan says. “Tomorrow!”

“He really killed it today,” Angela says. “I’m surprised that boy pulled out so many wins. Never knew he was so good.”

“He’s really good,” Philip says, trying to get the last few drips out of his glass. “He’s the best.” He puts the glass down and reaches for a chip, realizing that he probably drank the drinks too fast. He’s in an amazing mood and he really wants another one. But these two are insisting on paying and that makes him feel a little weird—he’s never had an easy time with people paying for him, and now, even after how long they’ve been together, he still feels a little funny when Lukas does it. But both Nathan and Angela are pretty strong personalities, and he knows Simone would give Nathan a hard time later if he didn’t pay for Philip on his birthday. “How’s that commute to Long Island going?” Philip asks Angela, while the thought is still in his head. “The job still worth all that trouble?”

“Commute is garbage, but the livin’ is good,” she says, sipping her own cocktail. 

“I get that whole going back and forth business,” Nathan says, shaking his head. “Had to do it in the beginning before I got the rep position. Would have been hell with the kids.”

“It’s hell with the dogs,” Angela says, and Philip laughs. 

The waitress comes over, moving in between Philip and Nathan. She taps on Philip’s glass and grins at him. “Another drink?”

He really does want one. He holds back, pressing his lips into a thin line, and Angela reaches out and squeezes his shoulder. 

“Of course he wants one,” she says. “It’s his birthday!”

~

It’s his birthday it’s his birthday it’s his _birthday!!!_

He feels a hand on his back as he leans forward and pulls his glass towards him, and Nathan laughs. Everyone is around him so much, all the walls are big and tall. It’s all big and shiny. He coughs a little bit and takes the last sip.

“Okay that’s it,” Angela says. “No more.”

“More?” Philip asks, grinning. She’s shaky, where she is, his vision trying to keep her in focus. 

“No more,” Nathan says, close to his ear. “Man, you went out—”

Philip is looking down at his phone and it’s a message from Lukas. He has to try really hard to read it but it’s a message from Lukas so it’s the most important.

_Philip you’re super drunk right now! You’re adorable I love you, I’m so happy you’re having a good time!!_

“Is that Lukas again?” Angela asks.

“He’s gonna be home _tomorrow_ , Philip!” Nathan says, gripping his shoulder.

“Tomorrow!” Philip echoes, staring down at the screen.

Next he knows they’re in the back of the uber and Taylor Swift is playing. Philip bops back and forth between Angela and Nathan, knocking their shoulders together.

“We’re doing the wrong thing,” Nathan says. 

“What?” Philip asks. 

“Nothing,” Nathan says. “Angela—no ice cream?”

“No he doesn’t want it,” Angela says.

“No, no,” Philip says, shaking his head. “No, we just—we just had—pie.” He knows that’s wrong. They definitely didn’t have pie. But they had something sweet and he likes saying the word pie. 

“We were supposed to go get ice cream,” Nathan whispers. “For time.”

“Well we’re heading back to his apartment now so….we messed up, so what? People mess up. Lukas won’t care. Look at his little boo. I’m sure it’s fine. It’ll be fine. He wants to go home.”

“I want to go _home_ ,” Philip agrees, nodding.

Nathan snorts and Angela laughs too. Philip hums along to the song, smiling happily.

“Does he still have his phone?”

“Yeah, it’s in his hand.”

Philip looks down at it then, everything still shaking and hazy and he wonders if they’re still in New York. He wonders if they’re flying. It feels like they’re flying. He doesn’t even know if he’s sitting. He feels like he’s floating.

His message with Lukas is still open, and he narrows his eyes at the last ones in blue.

_UTE!_  
_CUTE!!*_  
_Tomorrow! Tomrw! TOmmroww_  
_Ksis kiss kiss kiss_  
_HEY_  
_E Y_  
_I love you_

“Jesus,” he whispers. “Why am I so stupid?”

“You’re not stupid, sweetheart, you’re drunk,” Angela says, patting his head.

“Why did we let him—”

Then they’re back in the apartment and he’s on the couch. Izzy is licking his hand and Philip laughs, patting the couch so she’ll jump up. She does and he wraps his arms around her, kissing her head.

“Has he said anything yet?”

“Not yet, he’s probably on his way.”

“What time was the new flight?”

“Like five, so it was when we were leaving—stop laughing—”

“What? I’m a little drunk too—”

“A little drunk—”

“Not Philip drunk!”

“Philip drunk!” Philip says, laughing, kissing Izzy’s snout. She licks his face and he squeezes his eyes shut tight. Dizzy dizzy dizzy.

“We’ve ruined their reunion—”

“Shh! He can still hear us!”

“Are you su—”

Philip opens his eyes and it’s quiet, quiet, quiet. Izzy isn’t licking him anymore, back on the floor, but now she’s biting that same spot she always bites on her front leg and Philip reaches out, smacking his hand on the coffee table, startling her. 

“Hey,” Philip says. “Stop it, bad girl.”

Izzy just looks at him and then her eyes flick up above his head. Her tail starts wagging really fast. Philip tries to look too but his entire body weighs a thousand pounds and he can barely move. His vision is still hazy and he doesn’t know what the fuck is happening. But the air is buzzing around him, everything tinted warm and lovely all of a sudden, like an angel’s fluttered into the apartment. He smiles to himself. He feels good. He doesn’t know why but he feels really good and then there’s a hand sliding over his shoulder, reaching over the back of the couch. An electrified touch but still so soft, familiar. 

Then a kiss is pressed to his cheek.

“Hey angel face.”

Philip’s heart jumps. He tries to focus but he’s shaking and pushing against the couch cushions and his arms are jelly. No way. No way no way. “Lukas?” he slurs.

Lukas sits down next to him and he’s literally glowing and grinning and Philip narrows his eyes because what the hell. What the hell. Did he go to the airport and pick him up? Is it tomorrow?

Lukas wraps an arm around his shoulders and presses a long kiss to his temple. He hugs him and holds him close and Philip only sits confused. Lukas laughs and it’s the most beautiful sound Philip has ever heard.

“Lukas?” Philip asks, burying his face in Lukas’s shoulder and smelling him. “Lukas?”

Lukas laughs again and pulls back, cupping Philip’s face in his hands. “It’s me.”

“It smells like you.”

“Smells?”

“You smell like. Really good.” Philip leans in and smells him again. He hums to himself, smiling. This doesn’t make sense. Lukas is a dream. A beautiful wonderful dream and Philip wants him back so bad but here he is but how???

Dizzy dizzy dizzy.

“You’re so drunk, baby,” Lukas says, grinning. 

“Did you—did you teleport here?” Philip asks. Everything around Lukas is shimmering. He’s shimmering. He’s beautiful and he’s here and Philip doesn’t understand. “It’s my birthday.”

“It is,” Lukas says, nuzzling their noses together. “Happy Birthday, babe.”

“You made it,” Philip says, touching his face. Philip can feel it, his skin, precious, beautiful, perfect skin. This hurts his brain. 

“Yeah, I did,” Lukas says.

“Lukas, I don’t—”

And then Lukas is half carrying him to the bathroom, Izzy jingling along behind them. Philip’s whole body is limp and he coughs again, Lukas tightening his hold around his waist. He feels the badness coming.

“Ugh, Lukas—”

“Almost there, almost there—”

Then he’s collapsing down in front of the toilet except Lukas doesn’t let him collapse, Lukas eases his way and holds him as he pukes, rubbing his back.

“Aw, baby, I know you hate this…”

Philip groans, throwing up again.

And then they’re on the bed, Lukas holding a cup of cold water to Philip’s lips. He’s rubbing the back of Philip’s neck and Philip can still hardly see, everything like outer space. Lukas is a shining star. Philip swallows the water and nods, and Lukas takes it away. 

“C’mere,” Lukas says, pulling him close. “You okay?”

“Where’s Iz?” Philip asks, gripping Lukas’s wrist. He kisses Lukas’s collarbone through his t-shirt. Maybe he really is here. 

“Sleeping at the bottom of the bed,” Lukas says. “I fed her, she’s chill.”

“Am I dreaming?” Philip asks, turning his face into Lukas’s neck. “You feel real. You look and smell so nice.”

Lukas laughs. “I’m glad you like how I smell.”

“Like sunflowers and…and happiness.”

Lukas laughs again, tracing his hands up and down Philip’s back. “Or that Aveda shit you got me started on.”

Philip sighs. “Did you brush my teeth? I taste minty.”

“Yes I did,” Lukas says, and the way he’s running his hand through Philip’s hair is making him vibrate. He feels complete. But fractured. Fractured because drunk. When will the drunk stop? It needs to stop. Lukas is here. “And I gave you some Advil and powerade so hopefully we’re staving off a hangover here,” Lukas says. 

Philip groans a little bit. “I’m not—I’m not here and you’re here. I’m not here! But you’re here.”

Lukas kisses Philip’s forehead. “Don’t worry right now.”

“You teleported here and I’m stupid,” Philip says, tears springing to his eyes. He can hardly see. His ears are yelling. “You got here special and I’m stupid.”

Lukas laughs again, tipping Philip’s chin up. Philip stares into his eyes and pouts. Lukas wipes away his tears and he creates sparks everywhere. “You’re not stupid,” Lukas says. “Did you have fun?”

Philip nods. “So much fun. A lot—lot—so many. Fun.”

Lukas breaks into a grin and shakes his head. “You’re hilarious. I love you so much.”

“I love—”

Then he’s lying there like a ragdoll and Lukas is working his pajama pants up his legs, settling them around his waist. He gets onto the bed and helps Philip sit up, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it towards the door. 

“Izzy,” Lukas says, looking over his shoulder. 

“What’s she doing…” Philip mutters, raising his arms as Lukas puts his pajama shirt on him.

“Chewing,” Lukas says. “Arms in, come on.”

Philip hums and watches as Lukas puts his arm through the arm holes. Then he’s wearing the shirt completely. Amazing. “You put my clothes on me,” Philip says.

“Yes,” Lukas says. 

“You should take them off,” Philip says, and he tries to wag his eyebrows.

Lukas laughs. “Tomorrow, probably,” he says. He ruffles Philip’s hair and smiles at him, kissing his temple. 

Philip leans in, collapsing against him, cuddling up close. “Are you gonna leave again?”

“Nope,” Lukas says. “Not ever.”

Philip sighs, his head flying in circles. “Lukas—”

 

He wakes up, his eyes snapping open. The sun is streaming in through the window and he’s turned onto his side, cuddled up into a ball. He’s under a bunch of their blankets, literally tucked in. His phone is plugged in on the bedside table, and there’s a half-full bottle of powerade there, two empty water bottles, and one of their bigger kitchen pots. The last thing he remembers is being at the bar with Angela and Nathan and he groans—he doesn’t like blacking out like that, but he figures he was safe with the two of them, especially since he ended up here. Looks like someone was taking care of him.

He really didn’t mean to get that goddamn drunk. 

He sits up, surprised at the lack of headache, only a little bit of lingering dizziness. 

He sees him out of the corner of his eye and gasps.

Lukas, there in bed, sleeping.

Lukas, in his pajamas, breathing through his mouth, one hand stretched out and resting on Philip’s pillow.

Philip just stares at him, widening his eyes, and he pinches the inside of his own arm. Lukas wasn’t supposed to get in until four today. Philip was gonna go meet him at the airport. He taps on his phone and checks the date—it’s May 13th. The day after his birthday. And Lukas is already here.

Philip looks up and sees Lukas’s luggage sitting by their dresser, half open, some clothes sticking out. He realizes he isn’t dreaming. 

He reaches over, hand shaking a little bit like he’s gonna touch something that could break, and he runs his fingers over Lukas’s cheek. Lukas makes a little noise and turns into his hand, a small smile gracing his face. He reaches up and grabs Philip’s wrist, kissing Philip’s palm. “Why’re you awake?” he asks, sleepily.

Philip gasps, grinning. “Lukas.”

Lukas pops one eye open and smiles at him. “Philip.”

Philip thrashes in the blankets, trying to get them off him, and when he’s free he pushes his way over and plasters himself against Lukas’s side. “Did you get here yesterday?” he whispers, close to Lukas’s face.

“Uh-huh,” Lukas says, looking coy.

“On my birthday?” Philip asks, touching Lukas’s lips.

“Yep,” Lukas says.

Philip dips his head down and groans out his frustration, feeling Lukas tug him against him tighter. “The moment we’ve wanted for two and a half months and you surprise me and I’m so drunk I don’t even remember.” He doesn’t know if the small pain between his eyes is the beginnings of a hangover or his irritation flaring up.

Lukas laughs, kissing his cheek and nuzzling his nose into Philip’s hair. “It was precious. And I’m glad I got here because you were giving Angela and Nathan a hard time.”

“A hard time?” Philip asks, pulling back in low-key horror.

Lukas keeps grinning at him and he looks so happy. “You kept yelling at them saying you didn’t want their water, you wanted _my_ water, so I don’t even know what would have happened had I not come home.”

“Oh my God,” Philip says, shaking his head and closing his eyes. “I’m so annoyed at myself.”

“I’m not annoyed at all,” Lukas says, kissing his cheek. “You had fun with our friends and that’s awesome. You were adorable and perfect.”

“Adorable,” Philip says, shaking his head. “Embarrassing.”

“You’re never embarrassing.”

Philip opens his eyes and cups Lukas’s face in his hands, leaning in and bringing their mouths together. It all hits him then—they’re together, kissing, in their bed. “You’re home,” he whispers against Lukas’s lips. “What did you—how did you get home early?”

“I just paid a change fee and got the earlier flight,” Lukas says, stroking Philip’s face. “I was lucky because this new flight wasn’t as much as my original one so I didn’t have to do a fare difference.”

“Ugh, Lukas,” Philip says, gripping the back of Lukas’s neck. “I’m so annoyed at myself. You specifically did this to get back for my birthday and I fucked it up.”

“Shhh, babe,” Lukas says. “You didn’t fuck up anything, you had a good birthday and I got to take care of you and I love taking care of you.”

Philip sighs. “When does your bike get back?” 

“Should be tomorrow,” Lukas says. “It isn’t far.”

Philip sighs. He feels like a goddamn idiot and he knows he’s blushing, embarrassment burning on his face. Lukas worms an arm around him and presses his hand to Philip’s lower back, pulling and tugging at him until Philip is on top of him. Philip buries his face in Lukas’s neck, closing his eyes. He enjoys the way Lukas breathes, the way he smooths his hands up and down Philip’s back, a little pressure behind it, rucking up his shirt. Philip grinds down a little bit, slotting their hips together, and he hears Lukas exhale, turning his face so he can nose along Philip’s jaw.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Philip says, kissing Lukas’s cheek. “I can’t believe it.”

“Me either,” Lukas says. “It felt like eight hundred years even with a visit thrown in there.”

“A thousand,” Philip says, moving languidly, pressing a kiss to the corner of Lukas’s mouth. He grinds down a little harder and watches Lukas’s eyelids flutter, a smile tugging at his lips. “You keeping any more surprises for me under your clothes?”

“Just the usual suspects,” Lukas says. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“As if you could ever disappoint me,” Philip says, leaning down and kissing him. Lukas slips his tongue into Philip’s mouth and it’s like they fall into another world, Philip tangling his hands in Lukas’s hair and messing it up, trembling every time Lukas’s hands travel a new path. Philip presses slow kisses to Lukas’s mouth, over and over, and then he pulls back slightly to look down at him. That familiar warmth runs through his chest as he gazes down at Lukas, brushing his hair back from his forehead. Lukas opens his eyes and smiles at him. 

“What?” Lukas asks.

Philip sighs, his happiness radiating off of him. “You’re here. You’re fucking here, you’re home.”

Lukas nods, his eyes flicking down to Philip’s mouth as he strokes his back. “Thank God,” he says. 

They start kissing again and Philip’s heartbeat rises, his stomach dropping, his whole body hot and cold at the same time. The way Lukas touches him rams home their familiarity, how well they know each other’s bodies, their movements, their reactions. Lukas knows all the spots that make him moan, all the spots that make him shiver. Lukas could teach a class on how to take him apart. He’s a fucking expert at it.

“Want you,” Philip whispers against Lukas’s lips. “Wanna ride you.”

Lukas nods, capturing his lips again. Philip whimpers a little bit, so hard now, and he can feel Lukas’s cock through his pajama pants, just as ready as he is.

“Ugh,” Philip groans. “Where’s Izzy?” He doesn’t wanna move, not at all, and he looks over his shoulder. 

“Last I knew she left to sleep in the living room because you kept kicking up a storm under the covers,” Lukas says, reaching down and squeezing Philip’s ass.

Philip bites down on his lower lip, ignoring his past drunk antics. “You sure?”

“You think you can be quiet enough if she isn’t?”

Philip groans again, licking along Lukas’s jawline. “If our dog is in here and starts barking at us because we’re traumatizing her—”

“What are you gonna do?” Lukas asks, laughing.

“Kill you,” Philip says, grinning, kissing him again.

They keep making out, pulling each other’s clothes off and throwing them off the bed. That doesn’t elicit any reaction from Izzy, which anything being thrown usually would, so Philip assumes she’s passed out somewhere in the living room. It feels like he and Lukas are fused, never losing a point of contact, and once they’re finally naked Philip spreads himself out on top of him, moving against him frantically, like their time is short. But it isn’t, because Lukas is home. He’s here to stay. 

Lukas gets the lube out of the drawer but drops it, groaning as he reaches down and grabs it back up. He squirts some out and reaches around, doesn’t waste any time before working one slick finger into Philip. Philip moans—it’s only been a little over two weeks but every day he was without Lukas felt like a fucking eternity, and he pushes down onto Lukas’s finger like they haven’t fucked in a lifetime. They breathe harsh into each other’s mouths as Lukas works up to three fingers, pushing in and out of Philip slow and sure.

“Okay Lukas,” Philip says, writhing, a couple minutes later. Sweat is beading on his collarbones, trickling down his temple, and his whole body is shaking. “Okay, okay.”

Lukas nods, pulling his hand free. Philip arches up a little bit so Lukas can slick up his cock and he gives Philip a few tugs too, their moans mingling together. 

Philip still can’t believe he’s allowed to feel this way. He can’t wait, he can’t think, he just grabs Lukas’s hands and places them on his hips, positioning himself over Lukas’s cock. Then he sinks down. That familiar feeling, Lukas filling him up, it sends sparks up Philip’s spine, makes his breath hitch and stars dance in his eyes. They’re puzzle pieces, meant to fit together. He doesn’t stop until he’s sitting and he curls his neck back, sucking in a few big breaths. His back cracks and it feels like ecstasy. Lukas thrusts up a little bit and Philip’s eyes roll back in his head, his hands coming to rest on Lukas’s chest. Lukas is wearing the chain Philip got him a couple Christmases ago, the pendant pooling just below the old scar. Philip covers it with his hand.

He moves slow, his hips rolling in Lukas’s grip, his knees digging into the mattress. Lukas traces his hands up and down, along Philip’s waist, and Philip opens his eyes to look at him. He still gets that awed expression that makes Philip blush, and Philip doesn’t get how Lukas isn’t tired of him by now. But somehow every time they do this Lukas looks more and more floored by it, by him. Philip doesn’t get it, but he loves the way it makes him feel.

“Look at you,” Philip says, arching his back, raising up a little bit and coming down. “Lookin’ at me like that.”

Lukas hisses, letting out a hitched little breath. “Fuck, how can I not? You’re—you’re so fucking beautiful, Philip. You get—more and more beautiful every goddamn day.”

Philip blushes harder. He leans down to kiss him, changing the angle and feeling a sharp pang of pleasure shoot through his body. He licks over Lukas’s lips and nips at them too. “So glad you’re here,” Philip gasps. “You’re back. You’re—oh fuck, Lukas—”

Lukas squeezes Philip’s ass, reaching around and touching the place where they’re joined, making both of them moan. “Never fucking leaving you again, not ever—” Lukas whimpers when Philip bites at his neck, and he runs his thumb around Philip’s rim, making him see stars again.

“You feel so good inside me,” Philip gasps, knowing how much Lukas loves hearing that. He rocks back and forth, feeling that familiar stirring in his gut. His cock rubs up against Lukas’s stomach, wet and leaking, and the friction is insane. Nothing, nothing will ever compare to sex with Lukas. Not anything in the whole fucking universe. 

Well, maybe falling asleep with him. Being in his arms. Walking through the city holding his hands. Being introduced as his boyfriend.

And soon it’ll be fiancé.

Holy shit.

Philip makes a noise like he’s been shot, clinging to Lukas.

“You close, babe?” Lukas asks, wrapping his arms around Philip and pulling him flush against him. Philip is putty in his hands. “Can feel you—”

“Ah, God, oh God,” Philip moans, pressing his forehead to Lukas’s cheek. “Lukas, Lukas, Lukas—”

“Philip, baby,” Lukas gasps. “Fuck, I’m—”

And Philip feels him come inside him, hot and sticky, and that’s what sends him over the edge too. He squeezes his eyes shut, gasping and groaning, clutching at Lukas, mouthing at his shoulder. Philip could devour him if he set his mind to it. 

“Jesus Christ,” Lukas breathes, dragging his hands up and down Philip’s back. “God.”

“God’s right,” Philip says, laughing a little bit, breathless. He lays there plastered against him for a couple more long moments, basking in their release, before he eases off and cuddles up beside him. His heart is racing in the best way.

“Glad I didn’t do laundry before you got home,” Philip says, kissing Lukas’s neck. “Now you can help me do the sheets.”

“We’re starting right back with the chores,” Lukas says, laughing. “Don’t you wanna see all the presents I brought you?”

“I hope you’re kidding,” Philip says. 

“Mostly,” Lukas says. “Got all them keychains, though.”

“Good,” Philip says, grinning. “I got the frame day before yesterday, so we can start working on that too.” He slides his hand across Lukas’s chest and sighs contentedly. They’re sticky, sweaty and gross, and they need a shower. His body hurts and a headache is definitely forming. But Philip feels so, so good. “I’m so happy you’re back, Lukas.”

“Me too,” Lukas says. “Now we can get drunk together instead of you getting drunk without me.”

“Oh God,” Philip laughs, turning his face into Lukas’s chest.

Lukas reaches over and grabs his phone off the bedside table. “They sent me this cute as fuck video of you,” he says. 

Philip’s blood runs cold and his face falls. “Not a drunk video.”

“Oh yes, a drunk video,” Lukas says, opening up his photos because apparently he’s already saved it to keep forever. He chuckles a little bit and Philip blushes—the preview is an image of him sitting on the couch with Izzy in his lap. Lukas presses play.

“You two,” Philip slurs, readjusting Izzy in his arms and pointing at them. “You two are trying to give me bad water.”

He can hear Angela and Nathan chuckling behind the camera. “Bad water?” Angela asks.

“Yes,” Philip says. His eyes light up. “Are you livestreaming this to Lukas? Is Lukas watching?”

“Yes,” Nathan says, and both of them laugh again. “Yes, he’s always watching you.”

“Like Santa Claus?” Philip asks, and Lukas laughs out loud.

“That’s my favorite part,” Lukas says, kissing Philip’s forehead. 

“Yes,” Angela says. “Bad water?”

“Bad water!” Philip declares, whipping his hand through the air as Izzy jumps down. “Bad—not gourmet Lukas water!”

Lukas snorts and Philip reaches out and swipes the video away, pushing Lukas’s phone face down. “Hey!” Lukas says. “It had a whole minute left. That was twenty minutes before I got home!”

“I am an embarrassment and I don’t know how you’re okay with being associated with me,” Philip says, closing his eyes. 

Lukas nuzzles closer to him, his phone dropping down onto the mattress as he turns onto his side. “You’re my favorite association.”

Philip laughs, still blushing hard. Lukas tips his chin up and kisses him softly, and Philip is so happy he’s back that he can hardly contain himself. He can vaguely hear Izzy’s collar jingling out in the living room, and then he hears a much less vague squeak that sounds like her new chicken toy.

“So,” Lukas says, when the kiss breaks. He clears his throat. “Uh—Saturday. Celebration. I wanna make it big.”

Philip’s heart somersaults. “Oh yeah, what—what do you wanna do?”

Lukas hums a little bit. “You’re not gonna get the surprise out of me, babycakes. But you’re gonna like it. I promise you’re gonna like it.”

Philip wants to cry with how much he loves him. “Oh, I know I will,” he says, and kisses him again.


End file.
